inspiration for the zine

bell hooks quotes (from the will to change: men, masculinity, & love)~

"responsible men are capable of self-criticism.  if more men were doing the work of self-critique, then they would not be wounded, hurt, or chagrined when critiqued by others, especially womyn with whom they are intimate."

"patriarchal masculinity insists that real men must prove their manhood by idealizing aloneness and disconnection.  feminist masculinity tells men that they become more real through the act of connecting with others, through building community."

"when a man's emotional capacity to mourn is arrested, he is likely to be frozen in time and unable to complete the process of growing up.  if a man is not willing to break patriarchal rules that say that he should never change- especially to satisfy someone else, particularly a female- then he will choose being right over being loved.  he will turn away from loved ones and choose his manhood over his personhood, isolation over connectedness."

"patriarchal masculinity teaches males to be pathologically narcissistic, infantile, and psychologically dependent for self-definition on the privileges (however relative) that they receive from being born male.  hence many males feel that their very existence is threatened if these privileges are taken away.  feminist masculinity presupposes that it is enough for males to be to have value, that they do not have to 'do', to 'perform', to be affirmed and loved. . . feminist masculinity defines strength as one's capacity to be responsible for self and others."

"to be true to patriarchy we are all taught that we must keep men's secrets.  one of the truths that cannot be spoken is the daily violence enacted by men of all classes and races in our society - the violence of emotional abuse."

“the first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward womyn. instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. if an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.” 

"womyn who stay in long term relationships with men who are emotionally abusive. . . usually end up closing the door to their hearts.  they stop working to create love.  often they stay in these relationships because a basic cynicism, rooted in their experience, affirms that most men are emotionally withholding, so they do not believe that they can find a loving relationship with any man.  many womyn despair of men because they believe that ultimately men care more about being dominators than they do about being loving partners.  they believe this because so many men refuse to make the changes that would make mutual love possible."

"men who are able to be whole, undivided selves can practice emotional discernment. . . because they are able to relate and respond rather than simply react.  patriarchal masculinity confines men to various stages of reaction and overreaction.  feminist masculinity does not reproduce the notion that maleness has this reactionary, wild, uncontrolled component; instead it assures men and those of us who care about men that we need not fear male loss of control.  the power of patriarchy has been to make maleness feared and to make men feel that it is better to be feared than to be loved."

"ultimately one of the emotional costs of allegiance to patriarchy is to be seen as unworthy of trust."

"when culture is based on a dominator model, not only will it be violent but it will frame all relationships as power struggles.” 

"visionary feminism is a wise and loving politics. it is rooted in the love of male and female being, refusing to privilege one over the other. the soul of feminist politics is the commitment to ending patriarchal domination of women and men, girls and boys. love cannot exist in any relationship that is based on domination and coercion. males cannot love themselves in patriarchal culture if their very self-definition relies on submission to patriarchal rules. when men embrace feminist thinking and practice, which emphasizes the value of mutual growth and self-actualization in all relationships, their emotional well-being will be enhanced. a genuine feminist politics always brings us from bondage to freedom, from lovelessness to loving.”

quotes from feminist theory from margin to center~

"though labeled 'heterosexual', many womyn in this society feel little sexual desire for men because of the politics of sexual oppression; male domination destroys and perverts that desire."

"heterosexual privilege is diminished when compared to the degree of exploitation and oppression a womyn is likely to encounter in most heterosexual relationships."

quotes from all about love: new visions~

 “imagine how much easier it would be for us to learn how to love if we began with a shared definition.”

“reviewing the literature on love i noticed how few writers, male or female, talk about the impact of patriarchy, the way in which male domination of womyn and children stands in the ways of love.” 

“contrary to what we may have been taught to think, unnecessary and unchosen suffering wounds us but need not scar us for life. it does mark us. what we allow the mark of our suffering to become is in our own hands.”

“if you do not know what you feel, then it is difficult to choose love; it is better to fall. then you do not have to be responsible for your actions.”

“it still took years for me to let go of learned patterns of behavior that negated my capacity to give and receive love. one pattern that made the practice of love especially difficult was my constantly choosing to be with men who were emotionally wounded, who were not that interested in loving, even though they desired to be loved. i wanted to know love but was afraid to be intimate. by choosing men who were not interested in being loving, i was able to practice giving love but always within an unfulfilling context. naturally, my need to receive love was not met. i got what i was accustomed to getting. care and affection, usually mingled with a degree of unkindness, neglect, and on some occasions, out right cruelty.” 

“we fear that evaluating our needs and then carefully choosing partners will reveal that there is no one for us to love. most of us prefer to have a partner who is lacking than no partner at all. what becomes apparent is that we may be more interested in finding a partner than in knowing love.”

 “to love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.”