i feel more lonely when i am with people than i do when i am alone looking at the internet

by mira gonzalez from i will never be beautiful enough to make us beautiful together

in social situations i hide specific parts of my personality that i think

other people might perceive as unappealing

i don’t feel like i am pretending to be something different that what i

am

i don’t feel like i am anything really

i am very tired all the time

i don’t identify with most people

i don’t think highly of myself

i am too passive to create a situation in which i convince another

person that i am valuable

that i am someone who deserves things

that my physical presence in the world should induce positive or

negative feelings

everyone is growing apart from me

i am letting them do that

mortal kombat

by mira gonzalez from i will never be beautiful enough to make us beautiful together

i am thinking about those tiny clams that bury themselves under wet

sand at the beach

i identify with the tiny clams

i want to bury myself under wet sand

my cat is giving me a disapproving look

i pick up my cat and forcibly hug her

my cat meows loudly and jump-kicks me as she runs away

i think i would like to be a cat

i want someone to forcibly hug me

i want to jump-kick them and run away

i begin to count how many people i have had sex with in my life

i say out loud:

‘i don’t care about the people i’ve had sex with. i like being alone.

being with other people is tiring’

i am talking to myself

‘mira is talking to herself’

i want to take a bath with all the lights off

the couple that lives next door are yelling at each other again

i feel happy that my neighbors have a relationship that is important

enough to yell about

symbolic interactionism

by mira gonzalez from i will never be beautiful enough to make us beautiful together

people walk from one destination to another

with looks of determination on their faces

they stare at me

and they say ‘where the fuck are you going’

i say ‘i am going to a place’

they say ‘fuck you’

and i have an intense feeling of being a pathetic asshole

and that feeling manifests itself in the form of frantic unrestrained

movement

i begin to realize that my face will never be inside of your face

and that we can silently communicate using a series of microscopic

gestures

and we will understand that the phrase ‘alone together’ is not an

oxymoron anymore

and i will resolve to never be happy enough to forgive you

and i promise that from now on i will only have emotions that can be

perceived as neutral

i wonder how it is possible that there are billions of people in the world

yet i am the only person on the planet

heartbroken people with extreme personality flaws

by mira gonzalez from i will never be beautiful enough to make us beautiful together

i want to feel orgasms in the tip of my nose and the back of my ear

in the cartilage between the vertebrae that make up my spinal column

would you stare at my face for two hours without blinking

standing on the splintery wooden porch of the house where i was born

we are craving a certain unachievable density in emotions

subtle gestures that suggest something complex and vague

i will kiss you everywhere and recklessly

under an avocado tree in the hole i dug in my dad’s backyard when i

was seven

here are some things that i would like to touch

clavicle bones, backs of knees, adam’s apples, the spaces between

fingers

together we will have this extremely beautiful sensation

of being twice as frail as we once were

and it will feel like the first time you ever had a cold

the last time you tasted grape flavored cough syrup

a light pink fever

in public places you sit or stand quietly

by mira gonzalez from i will never be beautiful enough to make us beautiful together

you try to not draw attention to yourself

you are considerate and polite in social situations

you hide certain opinions and express other ones

you want people to perceive you as agreeable

anyone can enjoy your presence for a short period of time

you allow people to project appealing qualities onto you

for this reason they maintain relationships with you

for a few weeks, months, a year or two

you take drugs because they make you feel different

benzodiazepines make you feel detached, affectionate

as if your opinions and desires exist independently of you

amphetamines make you feel thinner, more sociable

you are equally compelled by experiences with extremely positive or

extremely negative outcomes

physically attractive people don’t appeal to you

you feel compelled by people based on their ability to change things

your perception of reality, the ways in which you assign connotation to

memories

you are interested in people who, when thought of years from now,

will cause you to recall certain, specific, crippling emotions