inspiration for the zine

bell hooks quotes (from the will to change: men, masculinity, & love)~

"responsible men are capable of self-criticism.  if more men were doing the work of self-critique, then they would not be wounded, hurt, or chagrined when critiqued by others, especially womyn with whom they are intimate."

"patriarchal masculinity insists that real men must prove their manhood by idealizing aloneness and disconnection.  feminist masculinity tells men that they become more real through the act of connecting with others, through building community."

"when a man's emotional capacity to mourn is arrested, he is likely to be frozen in time and unable to complete the process of growing up.  if a man is not willing to break patriarchal rules that say that he should never change- especially to satisfy someone else, particularly a female- then he will choose being right over being loved.  he will turn away from loved ones and choose his manhood over his personhood, isolation over connectedness."

"patriarchal masculinity teaches males to be pathologically narcissistic, infantile, and psychologically dependent for self-definition on the privileges (however relative) that they receive from being born male.  hence many males feel that their very existence is threatened if these privileges are taken away.  feminist masculinity presupposes that it is enough for males to be to have value, that they do not have to 'do', to 'perform', to be affirmed and loved. . . feminist masculinity defines strength as one's capacity to be responsible for self and others."

"to be true to patriarchy we are all taught that we must keep men's secrets.  one of the truths that cannot be spoken is the daily violence enacted by men of all classes and races in our society - the violence of emotional abuse."

“the first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward womyn. instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. if an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.” 

"womyn who stay in long term relationships with men who are emotionally abusive. . . usually end up closing the door to their hearts.  they stop working to create love.  often they stay in these relationships because a basic cynicism, rooted in their experience, affirms that most men are emotionally withholding, so they do not believe that they can find a loving relationship with any man.  many womyn despair of men because they believe that ultimately men care more about being dominators than they do about being loving partners.  they believe this because so many men refuse to make the changes that would make mutual love possible."

"men who are able to be whole, undivided selves can practice emotional discernment. . . because they are able to relate and respond rather than simply react.  patriarchal masculinity confines men to various stages of reaction and overreaction.  feminist masculinity does not reproduce the notion that maleness has this reactionary, wild, uncontrolled component; instead it assures men and those of us who care about men that we need not fear male loss of control.  the power of patriarchy has been to make maleness feared and to make men feel that it is better to be feared than to be loved."

"ultimately one of the emotional costs of allegiance to patriarchy is to be seen as unworthy of trust."

"when culture is based on a dominator model, not only will it be violent but it will frame all relationships as power struggles.” 

"visionary feminism is a wise and loving politics. it is rooted in the love of male and female being, refusing to privilege one over the other. the soul of feminist politics is the commitment to ending patriarchal domination of women and men, girls and boys. love cannot exist in any relationship that is based on domination and coercion. males cannot love themselves in patriarchal culture if their very self-definition relies on submission to patriarchal rules. when men embrace feminist thinking and practice, which emphasizes the value of mutual growth and self-actualization in all relationships, their emotional well-being will be enhanced. a genuine feminist politics always brings us from bondage to freedom, from lovelessness to loving.”

quotes from feminist theory from margin to center~

"though labeled 'heterosexual', many womyn in this society feel little sexual desire for men because of the politics of sexual oppression; male domination destroys and perverts that desire."

"heterosexual privilege is diminished when compared to the degree of exploitation and oppression a womyn is likely to encounter in most heterosexual relationships."

quotes from all about love: new visions~

 “imagine how much easier it would be for us to learn how to love if we began with a shared definition.”

“reviewing the literature on love i noticed how few writers, male or female, talk about the impact of patriarchy, the way in which male domination of womyn and children stands in the ways of love.” 

“contrary to what we may have been taught to think, unnecessary and unchosen suffering wounds us but need not scar us for life. it does mark us. what we allow the mark of our suffering to become is in our own hands.”

“if you do not know what you feel, then it is difficult to choose love; it is better to fall. then you do not have to be responsible for your actions.”

“it still took years for me to let go of learned patterns of behavior that negated my capacity to give and receive love. one pattern that made the practice of love especially difficult was my constantly choosing to be with men who were emotionally wounded, who were not that interested in loving, even though they desired to be loved. i wanted to know love but was afraid to be intimate. by choosing men who were not interested in being loving, i was able to practice giving love but always within an unfulfilling context. naturally, my need to receive love was not met. i got what i was accustomed to getting. care and affection, usually mingled with a degree of unkindness, neglect, and on some occasions, out right cruelty.” 

“we fear that evaluating our needs and then carefully choosing partners will reveal that there is no one for us to love. most of us prefer to have a partner who is lacking than no partner at all. what becomes apparent is that we may be more interested in finding a partner than in knowing love.”

 “to love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.”

i love you, bell hooks

from feminist theory from margin to center

*praxis within any political movement that aims to have a radical transformative impact on society cannot be solely focused on creating spaces wherein would be radicals experience safety and support.  feminist movement to end sexist oppression actively engages participants in revolutionary struggle.  struggle is rarely safe or pleasurable.

*while it in no way diminishes the severity of the problem of male violence against womyn to emphasize that womyn are likely to use coercive authority when they are in power positions, recognizing this reminds us that womyn, like men, must work to unlearn socialization that teaches us it is acceptable to maintain power by coercion or force.

*though labeled "heterosexual", many womyn in this society feel little sexual desire for men because of the politics of sexual oppression; male domination destroys and perverts that desire.

*male violence against womyn in personal relationships is one of the most blatant expressions of the use of abusive force to maintain domination and control.  it epitomizes the actualization of the concept of hierarchical rule and coercive authority.  unlike violence against children, or white racial violence against other ethnic groups, it is the violence that is most overtly condoned and accepted, even celebrated in this culture.  society's acceptance and perpetuation of that violence helps maintain it and makes it difficult to control or eliminate.

*unlike working women, working men are fed daily a fantasy diet of male supremacy and power.  in actuality, they have very little power and they know it.  yet they do not rebel against the economic order nor make revolution.  they are socialized by ruling powers to accept their dehumanization and exploitation in the public world of work and they are taught to expect that in the private world, the world of home and intimate relationships, will restore to them their sense of power which they equate with masculinity.  they are taught that they will be able to rule in the home, to control and dominate, that this is the big pay-off for their acceptance of an exploitative economic social order.

*the home is usually this control situation and the target for his abuse is usually female.  though his own expression of violence against womyn stems in part from the emotional pain he feels, the pain is released and projected onto the female.  when the pain disappears he feels relief, even pleasure.  his pain is gone even though it was not confronted or resolved in a healthy way.  as the psychology of masculinity in sexist societies teaches men that to acknowledge and express pain negates masculinity and is a symbolic castration, causing pain rather than expressing it restores men's sense of completeness, of wholeness, of masculinity.

*men must begin to challenge notions of masculinity that equate manhood with ability to exert power over others, especially through the use of coercive force.  much of this work has to be done by men who are not violent, who have rejected the values of capitalist patriarchy.  most men who are violent against womyn are not seeking help or change.  they do not feel that their acceptance and perpetration of violence against womyn is wrong.  how can it be wrong if society rewards them for it?

*the focus on "men" and "male behavior" has overshadowed emphasis on womyn developing themselves politically so that we can begin making the cultural transformations that would pave the way for the establishment of a new social order. . . when feminism is defined in such a way that it calls attention to the diversity of womyn's social and political reality, it centralizes the experiences of all womyn, especially the womyn whose social conditions have been least written about, studied, or changed by political movements.  when we cease to focus on the simplistic stance "men are the enemy," we are compelled to examine systems of domination and our role in their maintenance and perpetuation.

*because there has been undue emphasis placed on feminism as an identity or lifestyle, people usually resort to stereotyped perspectives on feminism.  deflecting attention away from stereotypes is necessary if we are to revise our strategy and direction.  i have found that saying "i am a feminist" usually means i am plugged into preconceived notions of identity, role, or behavior.  when i say "i advocate feminism" the response is usually "what is feminism?"  a phrase like "i advocate" does not imply the kind of absolutism that is suggested by "i am".  it does not engage us in the either/or dualistic thinking that is the central ideological component of all systems of domination in western society.  it implies that a choice has been made, that commitment to feminism is an act of will.  it does not suggest that by committing oneself to feminism, the possibility of supporting other political movements is negated.  as a black womyn interested in feminist movement, i am often asked whether being black is more important than being a womyn; whether feminist struggle to end sexist oppression is more important than the struggle to end racism and vice-versa.  all such questions are rooted in competitive either/or thinking, the belief that the self is formed in opposition to an other.  therefore one is a feminist because you are not something else.  most people are socialized to think in terms of opposition rather than compatibility.  rather than see anti-racist work as totally compatible with working to end sexist oppression, they are often seen as two movements competing for first place.  when asked "are you a feminist?" it appears that an affirmative answer is translated to mean that one is concerned with no political issues other than feminism. . .the shift in expression from "i am a feminist" to "i advocate feminism" could serve as a useful strategy for eliminating the focus on identity and lifestyle.

*feminist movement. . . can transform relationships so that the alienation, competition, and dehumanization that characterize human interaction can be replaced with feelings of intimacy, mutuality, and camaraderie.

*unlike other forms of oppression, most people witness and/or experience the practice of sexist domination in family settings.  we tend to witness and/or experience racism or classism as we encounter the larger society, the world outside the home.

*in our society, sexist oppression perverts and distorts the positive function of family. . . even as we are loved and cared for in families, we are simultaneously taught that this love is not as important as having power to dominate others.

*politically, the white supremacist, patriarchal state relies on the family to indoctrinate its members with values supportive of hierarchical control and coercive authority. . .ironically, feminism is the one radical political movement that focuses on transforming family relationships.  feminist movement to end sexist oppression affirms family life by its insistence that the purpose of family structure is not to reinforce patterns of domination in the interest of the state.

*support of sexist oppression in much political writing concerned with revolutionary struggle as well as in the actions of men who advocate revolutionary politics undermines all liberation struggle.  in many countries wherein people are engaged in liberation struggle, subordination of womyn by men is abandoned as the crisis situation compels men to accept and acknowledge womyn as comrades in the struggle, e.g. cuba, angola, nicaragua.  often when the crisis period has passed, old sexist patterns emerge, antagonism develops, and political solidarity is weakened. . . many womyn who would like to participate fully in liberation struggles (the fight against imperialism, racism, classism) are drained of their energies because they are continually confronting and coping with sexist discrimination, exploitation, and oppression.