come on out

from the essay lesbian daughters and lesbian mothers: the crisis of disclosure from a family systems perspective by jo-ann krestan from the book a guide to feminist family therapy

"when it is not possible for an individual to have and express a sense of where she stands on important emotional issues without becoming reactive if other individuals in the family challenge her or try to convince her to be different, then an emotional 'cut-off' often ensues in which family members may maintain polite but superficial contact with one another but in which authentic relatedness is not possible."

"it is as though the heterosexual pair operates in an energy field of centrifugal force and the homosexual pair operates in a field of centripetal force."

"although many young womyn are choosing to remain single longer, the re-definition of role for the heterosexual womyn still takes place within a relational context- marriage- which is normative.  a lesbian womyn's struggle to define herself takes place within a context defined as deviant.  she is in many ways an invisible womyn for whom no relational rules exist."

"i believe that all persons need to define themselves in a way which owns their own power, to differentiate a self- distinguishable from their familial, social, ethnic, and cultural context.  this differentiation is necessary if womyn are to function as mature, responsible adults who can direct their own course in life, and yet enter into intimate relationships with other adults."

"such differentiation, however, has traditionally been socially sanctioned, modeled, and reinforced for men, but punished in womyn. . . womyn who do not define themselves through their relationship with men but rather through their relationship to other womyn. . . pose particular threats to more traditional notions of who womyn are."

"as womyn begin to be free to be themselves with each other, they can begin to overcome the effects of a society which silences them.  it is not just lesbian womyn who must learn to be themselves without the need for self-justification.  all womyn need to learn to 'come out'."