concept: parentification

quotes from the essay "women and abuse in the context of the family" by margaret cotroneo (from the book a guide to feminist family therapy)

"the american family has become our society's most violent institution."

in a 1980 study of abused womyn, two important concepts were introduced: "the theory of learned helplessness and the cycle theory of violence.  learned helplessness is a social learning theory which proposes that womyn who are repeatedly exposed to abuse learn that no response will be effective in controlling violence."

"the more a womyn's social ties overlap with those of her partner, the more difficult it may be for her to obtain support in dealing with the battering situation.  in addition, increased levels of violence are associated with a greater likelihood that the responses of friends may be characterized by avoidance and discomfort.  thus, even friendships may be unavailable as supportive resources for moving out of an abusive relationship."

"it is not clear that the victim stance empowers womyn themselves.  when womyn are defined as victims, their entitlement to consideration is contingent upon the responsiveness of others.  this reinforces their inclination to adapt their choices to the expectations of people upon whom they depend while their own wants, needs, and contributions are taken for granted.  furthermore, it feeds a cycle of self-doubt as womyn may come to believe that whatever happens to them, happens simply because they are womyn."

"in my observations of abused womyn in family therapy, i find that it is not relationships that exploit.  rather, it is modes of relating that shape a process of exploitation over time.  a large part of the therapeutic work centers on building trust in the self as a person who can take responsibility for her/his own well-being in the context of caring about others and being responsive to their needs and expectations."

"gilligan proposed two distinct forms of self-definition in relation to others.  they are separation and connection.  separation is characterized by independence, self-sufficiency, and autonomy while connection is characterized by interdependence, mutual reliance, and responsibility for others.  separation is oriented toward an ethic of justice and rights.  relationship is experienced as reciprocity between separate individuals who are rooted in roles and operate out of rules of fairness.  a basic rule is to consider others as one would like to be considered.  the mode of connection is oriented toward an ethic of care and response.  relationship is experienced as response to others on their terms, with a concern for their well-being and the alleviation of their burdens.  gilligan proposes that men more typically construct their relationships in terms of separation and womyn in terms of connection.  she does not view the different orientations of womyn and men as biologically determined but rather that they derive out of childhood experiences of inequality and interdependence.  with equal frequency, both womyn and men construct a self definition that is organized in terms of relationship to others."

"there are numerous examples of abused womyn who continue to respond to their abusers with care, consideration, and protection. . . they are preoccupied with doing the 'right' thing; that is, taking action that is least likely to hurt their abuser.  such responses contradict reason and reality, however, they reflect a genuine conflict about what is owed to self vs. what is owed to others that can be paralyzing.  loyalty of this nature characterizes abusive families.  it is shaped by expectations of care and devotion held in common among family members and transmitted from generation to generation.  loyalty is like an invisible intergenerational tapestry woven from the fibers of caring relationships.  although it often goes unacknowledged in the family, it is considered to be a powerful motivator of behavior."

"it is how the important people in their lives responded to them around the issues of abandonment, betrayal of trust, conflicting loyalties, and entitlement to justice that shapes the lifelong pain of womyn in abusive situations.  when accountability is not elicited in a dialogue among all those who are affected by the abuse, the abused client is left to carry the burden of guilt and shame for the whole family."

"in my work i use the relational concept of parentification to explain the mode of relating associated with loyalty.  parentification is characterized by inappropriate expectations for care and devotion that are enslaving.  persons who are parentified carry a burden of guilt-laden obligation for the well-being of others while their own needs go unacknowledged.  the parentified one is bound to the relationship through a process of giving and receiving which is counterautonomous.  because she does not feel entitled to speak on her own terms, she makes her choices contingent upon the expectations of others."

"a person becomes sensitized to parentification in the family of origin.  when parents, for whatever reason and regardless of fault, cannot appropriately give to their children, the children tend to react to the loss of care with greater emotional attachment.  they become parents to their parents in order to get parenting.  whatever gains they receive are received by meeting the parents' needs.  asking for something for oneself is associated with selfishness. . . thus emotionally bound, they are not free to give appropriately in relationships outside the family unless and until they come to terms with the loss or deprivation of care they have experienced in the family of origin."

"in intrafamilial abuse, this code of fairness requires that care for others must take precedence over care for the self.  parentification is an intensely painful experience for womyn primarily because their contributions go unacknowledged. . . resentment is shaped by the lack of acknowledgement and becomes paralyzing."

"womyn are frequently blamed for what seems to be passivity and adaptation in the face of abuse.  in being strong for others, they appear to be weak.  by protecting their partners, they become sponges for failure and perceive themselves as incompetent.  failing to please their partner, they no longer trust their own judgment.  their thinking reflects their experience, as they continue to assign to themselves the responsibility for their partner's problems, hurts, and failures."

"in working with womyn clients who are abused, i work toward de-parentification.  the therapeutic work is guided by three major considerations: 1. acknowledging the contributions that have previously been taken for granted; 2. exploration and discouragement of the means of parentification; and 3. a retracing of the path of parentification that occurred in the family of origin."

"the therapist needs to remain open to the client's perspective on what she has given and what she has gained in the relationship. . . this should be done without blame or scapegoating of the abuser on the part of the therapist.  otherwise, the client can be caught in a loyalty conflict and might be forced to reaffirm her loyalty to the spouse/partner by distancing herself from the therapy.  the message of the therapist that would be most helpful is a solid, straightforward advocacy of the female client that, at the same time, allows for the humanization and personalization of her abuser.  to genuinely advocate for an abused womyn is to extend due consideration to all those relationships that are important to her, with their resources as well as their limitations.  it is a way of extending trust to womyn who have grown accustomed to being criticized for caring."

"encouraging the client to tell her story to others, including parents and siblings, is also necessary in order to intervene early in the feelings of shame and guilt and thereby to allow the resentment to surface. . . confronting this loyalty system directly is ultimately strengthening because it has the effect of reducing fear and dysfunctional protective behaviors within the abusive relationship."

"abusers tend to take a position of extreme entitlement to unilateral consideration.  however, their genuine entitlement to ask for what they need has been consistently diminished by exploitative actions.  therefore, they use force to strengthen their claim to entitlement."

"family of origin work reverses the parentification in the relationships to one's own parents because it intervenes in the tendency to protect one's parents from one's own needs and wants."