polyamory

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i've wanted to write about this for a long time.

In multiple situations in the past, when I have asserted a need for loyalty & fidelity in romantic relationships, the projection of restriction! has been thrown back at me, as if I was a cage door shutting, a cop locking my lover in a jail cell. Like a good anarchist, I swallowed this projection and began a serious evaluation of what polyamory really means, what monogamy really means, and where I fit in the spectrum of desires. Who wants to be a cop or a cage? Not me.

yet in the process of resisting my impulses in the name of liberation, I also did something horrible: I shamed my own needs and the boundaries that were necessary for me to create trust. I internalized this repetitious projection of being a police officer (as many people in this situation do), and felt forced into denying my own needs & desires. The irony has not been lost on me; the liberating concept of polyamory can enforce the same guilt and restriction that it is meant to free us of!

PART ONE

So what do I feel? What do I want? my spectrum of desires, as I discovered, changes all the time. Occasionally, I feel eager to explore multiple romances. In a way, this is similar to how i've liked to have many friends with varying interests, multiple social circles... I like to know lots of interesting people, and find our commonalities. It can be exciting to dance among a handful of lovers, to learn a bit about people who are different than I am, to share small windows of time and connections.

As i've grown older and built some deep, genuine friendships with confidantes I admire and learn from, I have come to realize that these are the types of intimate relationships that I need. These are the friends I can lean on and be weak with, talk out my fears and listen to theirs, build our relationships on mutual aid and amazement. And then, that's what I realize I want in a lover, that depth. The depth comes with a basic singularity of commitment to build upon (at least to begin with, possibly in perpetuity). Living in a society that objectifies, dismisses, and tries to own my body shapes my understanding of the intimacy of physicality with a lover. we all must work to consciously examine the messages we've internalized about ourselves and our lovers, to maintain the understanding that the personal, the intimate, the romantic.... is still political.

As I started writing about lovers & romance, I realize how quickly that takes me to friendships and confidantes. part of my heart gets wrapped around deep relationships, no matter if they are friend or lover. There is a loyalty that gets built, and it starts with being intensely honest with myself. The major theme in my relationships with my best confidantes is this: we are willing to be really really honest, both in speaking our truths & holding a common level of accountability to high standards of integrity. Boundaries soften considerably in relationships such as these, where trust is firmly established and is built with time & commitment.

I have seen polyamory primarily applied to relationships that include some sort of romance or sexual intimacy. Yet many years ago, one of my confidantes said to me: I think of polyamory as all the strong heartfelt friendships I have, and how I want to prioritize many of them, not just my primary romantic partnership. This echoes within me as well; I am not willing to sacrifice the depth, time, and commitment I have to my confidantes, simply to give more of myself to a romantic partner. While this might mean that I'm not ultimately as available, it also means that I don't just look to romantic relationships to hold me accountable, validate me, inspire me, or be reflections of deep love. I am often in love with my confidantes, even as we do not share sexual relationships at this point.

the “polyamory” that i've mostly been asked to discuss/accept within friendships & romances is that of having other romantic partners. The radical feminist in me sends red flags & rings alarm bells when cisgendered men initiate exploration of multiple hetero relationships (ie- mostly with womyn). So often, the first major question that echoes in my mind is: why do you seek out so much sexualized attention from womyn? Why is a singular partner not enough? [To be clear, although i've mostly seen a lot of failures of polyamory, I have also observed some successes, primarily in queer relationships (and even a couple hetero partnerships). But the few that have seemed to work have been due to some serious clarity within the individuals involved.]

Another question that arises for me is- Why is it so difficult for cis-men to have non-sexualized friendships with womyn, particularly those that hold them accountable? This came up often in my past relationship, as my former partner admitted somewhere along the line that he sexualized most cis-womyn he encountered, and gave attention based on this. He had to actively, consciously work to change this habit within himself.

I am curious about the sexualized signals that get exchanged between myself and others, particularly when I read the energy of individuals who have solid singular partnerships. Sometimes that energy is clearly beyond playful flirting, and it communicates a willingness to explore something sexual, if I wanted that. I have almost no deep non-sexual relationships of accountability with hetero cis-men; sexual energy tends to come out, regardless of my lack of interest, and then I feel as though i'm being heard or not heard based upon my response to being sexualized.

so, for anyone interested in or exploring polyamory: what are the unmet needs of the singular relationship that sparks a need/desire for multiplicity of sexualized attention/lovers? Is there an avoidance of vulnerability happening? Is intimacy too scary? Does juggling feel powerful? Does it help to split thoughts and mental/emotional time, so no one person gets too much? Is attachment easier to quell when there are other people tossing through the mind and the sheets?

Although I am critical, I also have a deep compassion for anyone looking to be known, understood, valued, loved. I have seen many people yearn for polyamorous relationships because they don't seem to have strong connections with friends or family. They look to the realm of romance and sex to meet these needs, instead of considering that deep, accountable relationships don't have to exclusively look like that. We all need intimacy, and we all need it with more than one person. But how do we define intimacy? What are our patterns, and how does society define it for us?

PART TWO

When i'm starting to feel vulnerable with someone (in a romantic sense), I often have to calm my own tendencies to try to run away or find a fling or distract myself with x/y/z. This process hinges on my internal commitment to being mindful; the need for distractions arises in me when I start feeling too attached. And I am in the process of learning what that looks like, how to feel/understand/change my habits of attachment, projection, and blame.

So I admit a bit of disappointment, when my lovers and my confidantes create situations with multiple lovers and don't seem to know what their intentions are in doing so, what they are needing, what they are inevitably asking others to participate in. This is amazingly commonplace in my life, and runs the gamut of pretty mild to wildly dramatic. We really really need to re-define our notions of open relationships, polyamory, monogamy.

I am critical of the ways in which we each avoid looking deeper at ourselves, and how in general, we look to romantic relationships to escape something. Why do we need to be attractive to someone else, in order to feel validated? Why do we compromise so many other aspects of our lives when someone steps in and romances us? Why do we tell ourselves that our needs and desires are shameful or wrong, when the spectrum of desire is rather endless?

I am in the process of redefining my own desire, reclaiming it as something that is truly liberating, even if others seek to define it otherwise. Right now, in my life, I am interested in creating deep relationships that teach me, hold me to a standard of accountability, are open and vulnerable and creative, and amaze me with each step of their unfolding. Those deep relationships are places I can be real, even in my sad exhausted moods, insecure modes, unexplored weaknesses, or grumpy judgmental days. These kinds of relationships help me laugh at myself, celebrate my life, and connect me to something so much bigger and greater than myself. These kinds of relationships also pass through times of great discomfort and challenges, where we come out on the other end closer & stronger for having the courage to face them & move through them.

I am so grateful to have a handful of confidantes with whom I share these relationships, and I don't have energy or time for many more. I bond primarily with other womyn and trans folks in deep friendships and queer community, and that becomes a big aspect of my self-definition of polyamory in some ways. If I choose to date a cisgendered man, those relationships with my confidantes are ones that they are likely not going to be a part of.

what I have to offer in a deep romantic relationship depends on where the spaces overlap. I pay attention to how similar (or different) desires are- without any type of request/restriction put upon them. For any relationship of depth, it doesn't make sense for me to impose immediate limitations. I feel a need to observe where the other person's desires unfold, and how they handle it. This tells me a lot about where other people are naturally inclined, what they are gravitating towards on their own. I learn so much from how they act, respond, check in, communicate, what they offer, what they follow through with, how well they know their intentions, or don't. This tells me a lot about the presence or lack of middle ground. My imposition of limitations on relationships tends to be a response to having my boundaries ignored or trespassed.

I have learned from past experiences that it doesn't feel good to push hard on people i'm close to. We all make mistakes, act selfishly or ignorantly, and show weaknesses. i am willing to ask difficult questions and express judgments, but the onus of responsible decision-making is on each of us individually. I resist continuing close relationships when I see someone being chronically dishonest or self-deceptive, as I want my presence in relationships to be encouraging & empowering, because that is my best & favorite way to be. I do not want to be anyone else's moral compass, as that unloads the other person's responsibility for being disciplined & self-aware onto my shoulders, and puts me in a restrictive role. For this reason, I cultivate deep relationships of trust where I truly feel close to people because of who they are right now, not who they might become some day. It is about keeping our eyes wide open, seeing eachother for real, & continuously getting clear with our intentions.

8.20.12