polyamory part two

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this topic is extra hot right now, emerging in about four different directions simultaneously. And with every mental muscle I apply, I keep learning, feeling, judging, affirming, stretching.  so i will continue writing.

WHAT IS CENTRAL?

Last night, the conversation hurt at times. I can't help but have empathetic belly-flipping body responses, as I know those desires and fears too.

Here's how I could boil it down: what we centralize is the important part. Is the central need- for one or both partners as individuals- to explore sexual/romantic desires for outside lovers? Or is the central need- for one or both partners as individuals- to create a sense of security that assures them that there will only be monogamy in thought, feeling, action? Or is the central need to build a strong relationship with a trustworthy foundation so that other desires and needs outside of it could be safely, securely explored? Building strong relationships takes time and patience! lots of mistakes get made, and lots of transformation and healing occur too.

LOYALTY, THE BALANCE

as I reflect on my own relationships, where and when i've felt desire to explore non-monogamy, it always comes down to a sense of loyalty. If I feel a strong sense of loyalty from my partner, I feel more interested in (and capable of) exploring other relationships. words, actions, and time are the magic ingredients for building loyalty in my world.  However, if I don't feel this from my partner, or if it's too soon to tell, I tend to have a much stronger urge to cling and impose limitations.  i end up focusing so much on the primary relationship (and all my fears) that i don't have interest or space to relax and consider my full desires.

one example of how this played out in my life (in the past couple years) was when I began dating someone outside of my primary partnership last year. I was pretty excited about the relationship, but almost immediately, my former partner also started to date someone else. My feelings became so clouded with insecurity (well, my primary relationship was suffering from a lot of patterned dishonesty)... the initial excitement I had about my new sweetheart was emotionally hijacked by this separate situation, and I didn't have the capacity to continue exploring it. The space in my heart shut down, or rather, became preoccupied with doubt and pain.

At this point in my life, I am cautious about entering partnerships in the first place, as I tend to bring a pretty solid sense of loyalty with me. however, my desires for sex and romance will always extend beyond one singular relationship. The crux of this polyamory v. monogamy theorizing- for me- rests within the weighing and balancing. What is worth more to me in various situations? That question is complicated by multiple responsibilities: to myself, my partners, lovers...

COMPETITION

often, an aspect of unconscious competition emerges between primary partners. I've seen this more often when polyamory is approached without explicit mutual, supportive intentionality. One partner feels a need to have an outside sweetheart because their partner does, and the desire is actually motivated by insecurity. Or one partner strongly encourages the other to explore outside relationships, because they want to legitimize their own explorations, & have permission to [continue to] do so. (i've often seen this pressure emerge after that exploring partner has been dishonest/untrustworthy.)

but another aspect of competition that isn't talked about so much is when theory competes with practice and emotions. There have been countless times that i've heard the poly-dialogue revolve around one or the other polarity. Since the theory part is much more mental and idealistic (and associated with patriarchy), I see this more often- a lot of valid emotional responses thrown out the window (by any person involved), because it doesn't fit the ideal, the theory. The reality is that a lot of folks in radical communities see that non-monogamy can be incredibly liberating, and theoretically agree with the arguments in favor of poly relationships. The discord that emerges is generally not theoretical, yet heady arguments are often utilized to escape the real radical emotional and practical cores of the practice.

It can be really hard for partners to speak openly about jealousy and insecurity without shaming themselves or blaming/being blamed. It can also be really hard for partners to speak openly about sexual and romantic desires without fear of hurting another. These honesties are so interconnected. I would argue that when we get really clear with our own desires, and have the ability to separate want from need, communicating this to our partners is quite radical. As partners who listen to and process our partner's (potential or actual) relationships with other lovers, we can get clear about our jealousies and insecurities, and have the ability to take radical responsibility for our emotions. As partners who explore relationships outside of the primary one, we can be highly respectful of our partner's emotional responses, and create a space of radical understanding, empathy, honesty, concern, and responsibility.

Both partners, ultimately, must be highly willing to explore polyamory in the first place. If one wants it and the other doesn't, this is a setup for coercive dynamics. Likewise, if one partner wants monogamy and the other doesn't, this can also be a setup for coercive dynamics. Within any variation on the spectrum, the healthiest of relationships have a common theme of mutual self-accountability. What this looks like in action is, first and foremost, a willingness- to be direct, intentional, reflective, cautious, curious, uncomfortable. We must be open to accepting our partner's true desires and true emotions, no matter how scary they might seem. And when we accept them, we must be clear in what is ours to own- our wants, needs, patterns, tendencies, intentions, wounds, mistakes. This is a LOT of work. it is best done once those foundations of commitment have already been built. And while we may end up hurt or hurting, we must take care to do no harm, to ourselves or others.

The best relationships I know of don't have a certain theme of polyamory nor monogamy in them, but a willingness to do the work of constantly growing, changing, expanding, and building trust.

(polyamory part three coming soon!  topics will include- to be hurt/to cause hurt, heteropatriarchy in poly dynamics, blame v. shame, the wisdom of dean spade)

8.26.12