putting makeup on space

quotes from living beautifully with uncertainty and change by pema chodron

"it's not impermanence per se, or even knowing we're going to die, that is the cause of our suffering, the buddha taught. rather, it's our resistance to the fundamental uncertainty of our situation. our discomfort arises from all of our efforts to put ground under our feet, to realize our dream of constant okayness. when we resist change, it's called suffering. but when we can completely let go and not struggle against it, when we can embrace the groundlessness of our situation and relax into its dynamic quality, that's called enlightenment, or awakening to our true nature, to our fundamental goodness. another word for this is freedom -- freedom from struggling against the fundamental ambiguity of being human."

"what it means to be in denial: you can't hear anything that doesn't fit into your fixed identity. even something positive -- you're kind or you did a great job or you have a wonderful sense of humor -- is filtered through this fixed identity. you can't take it in unless it's already part of your self-definition.

in buddhism we call the notion of a fixed identity 'ego clinging.' it's how we try to put solid ground under our feet in an ever-shifting world. meditation practice starts to erode that fixed identity. as you sit, you begin to see yourself with more clarity, and you notice how attached you are to your opinions about yourself. often the first blow to the fixed identity is precipitated by a crisis. when things start to fall apart in your life, as they did in mine when i came to gampo abbey, you feel as if your whole world is crumbling. but actually it's your fixed identity that's crumbling."

"in my stroke of insight, the brain scientist jill bolte taylor's book about her recovery from a massive stroke, she explains the physiological mechanism behind emotion: an emotion like anger that's an automatic response lasts just ninety seconds from the moment it's triggered until it runs its course. one and a half minutes, that's all. when it lasts any longer, which it usually does, it's because we've chosen to rekindle it."

"chogyam trungpa had an image for our tendency to obscure the openness of our being; he called it 'putting makeup on space.' we can aspire to experience the space without the makeup. staying open and receptive for even a short time starts to interrupt our deep-seated resistance to feeling what we're feeling, to staying present where we are."

"as you're meditating, memories of something distressing that happened in the past may bubble up. it can be quite freeing to see all of that. but if you revisit the memory of something distressing over and over, rehashing what happened and obsessing on the story line, it becomes part of your static identity. you're just strengthening your propensity to experience yourself as the one who was wronged, as the victim. you're strengthening a preexisting propensity to blame others - your parents and anyone else - as the ones who wronged you."

"all of our habitual patterns are efforts to maintain a predictable identity: 'i am an angry person'; 'i am a friendly person'; 'i am a lowly worm.' we can work with these mental habits when they arise and stay with our experience not just when we're meditating but also in daily life."

"the three commitments are three levels of working with groundlessness. underlying them all is the basic instruction to make friends with yourself -- to be honest to yourself and kind. this begins with the willingness to stay present whenever you experience uneasiness. as these feelings arise, rather than running away, you lean into them. instead of trying to get rid of thoughts and feelings, you become curious about them. as you become accustomed to experiencing sensation free of interpretation, you will come to understand that contacting the fundamental ambiguity of being human provides a precious opportunity - the opportunity to be with life just as it is, the opportunity to experience the freedom of life without a story line."

folie a deux

from mr. fox by helen oyeyemi

"he says's he's fine and he acts as if he's fine, but he's in a bad way. i don't blame him for not being able to tell; he doesn't do sane work for a living. and i have been sleeping with him, eating with him; we took a bath together last tuesday -- so i'm in a bad way, too. i've seen and heard a woman he made up. i know what this is called - a folie a deux, a delusion shared by two or more people who live together. it was such a strong delusion, though. like being on some kind of drug. nobody warned me how easily my brain could warp a sunny morning so fast that i couldn't find the beginning of the interlude. one moment i was alone, the next. . . i was still alone, i guess, and making the air talk to me."

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"i came to him without substance, and six years later i'm still the same. sometimes i say terrible things to him because i don't want him to know i'm sad; sometimes i fly off the handle to hide the fact that i don't know what i'm talking about. and other times - too often, maybe - i don't dare have an opinion in case it upsets anyone. i'm too stupid for him.

have you ever heard a note in someone's voice that said 'this is the end'? i heard it in the next words he said to me, and i stopped listening. have you ever wanted to try and cross an ending with some colossal revelation - 'there's something i never told you. i'm a princess from the kingdom atop mount qaf,' for example - 'my family live in eternal youth, and if you abide with me, you will, too. i kept this secret from you to see if you would cherish me for who i am.' have you ever wished, wished, wished. . .

my head got so heavy, it sank down onto my chest. so say whatever it is you think you've got to say, st. john. that you're not in love with me. that you need to be alone. say it. i'm not going to like it, no, i won't like it at all. but i'll be all right.

i told him that i loved him. i've never, ever, said that to him before, because i just didn't know how he'd take it. i love you. i mouthed the words because there didn't seem any point in interrupting him just then. i don't know if he saw. i hope he did, because i don't believe it's the sort of thing a woman can tell a man more than, say, three times in their life together. it's only really appropriate in the event of a life-threatening emergency, 'i love you.' it means a different thing to us than it means to them. god knows what it means to them. god knows what it means to us.

'. . . start again, d. let's start all over again,' my husband said. he rested his hands on my shoulders for a moment, then took them away. 'can we?'

start again? nice in theory, but what was he really trying to say? how far back would we have to fall? all that undoing. . ."

some basics

quotes from taming the tiger within by thich nhat hanh

"the energy of mindfulness contains the energy of concentration as well as the energy of insight. concentration helps you to focus on just one thing. with concentration, the energy of looking becomes more powerful. because of that, it can make a breakthrough that is insight. insight always has the power of liberating you."

"in taking good care of yourself, you take good care of your beloved one. self-love is the foundation for your capacity to love the other person."

"when you make another suffer, he or she will try to find relief by making you suffer more."

"punishing the other person is self-punishment. that is true in every circumstance."

"in true love, there is no pride. you cannot pretend that you don't suffer. you cannot pretend that you are not angry. this kind of denial is based on pride. 'angry? me? why should i be angry? i'm okay.' but, in fact, you are not okay. you are in hell. anger is burning you up, and you must tell your partner, your son, your daughter."

"when you understand the situation of the other person, when you understand the nature of suffering, anger will vanish, because it is transformed into compassion."

"when you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself."

"when we understand that we cannot be destroyed, we are liberated from fear."

"true love is made of understanding -- understanding the other person, the object of your love; understanding their suffering, their difficulties, and their true aspiration. out of understanding there will be kindness, there will be compassion, there will be an offering of joy."

quotes from how to fight by thich nhat hanh

"we need to reconcile within ourselves before we can reconcile with someone else. we recognize and embrace all our feelings and emotions. we see that the cause of our suffering lies within us and not in the other person -- they have only touched the seed of suffering already inside us. understanding this, we can see our own part in the difficulty that has arisen, and compassion can be born.

when you have reconciled and are at peace with yourself, it is much easier to go to the other person and say, 'i know you have suffered a lot. i know i have also contributed to your suffering. i haven't been very mindful or skillful. i didn't understand your suffering and difficulties enough. i may have said or done things that have made the situation worse. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to hurt you. your happiness, your safety, your freedom, and your joy are important to me. because i have been caught in my own suffering, i have been unskillful at times. i may have given you the impression that i wanted to make you suffer. that's not true. so please tell me about your suffering so that i will not make the same kind of mistake again. i know that your happiness is crucial to my own happiness. i need your help. tell me about your fear and despair, your difficulties, your dreams, so that i can understand you better.'"

"sometimes we receive a large amount of praise. we do need to be praised from time to time, but we want to be careful not to become too proud because of the praise. so you say to yourself or aloud: 'you are partly right.' it means: 'yes, i do have that gift but it's not just mine; it has been handed down to me by my ancestors. and everyone has talents and gifts of some kind.'

sometimes we are criticized. we do need a certain amount of feedback in order to help us progress, but it's important not to be caught in the criticism and become paralyzed by it. you can say the mantra to yourself or out loud, 'you are partly right.' it means: 'yes, i do manifest that unfortunate characteristic sometimes, but i am much more than that. this is something that i have received from my ancestors and i am in the process of transforming it, for their sake and for mine.'"

naked if i want to

by casey kwang, from copia

listening to cat power
on repeat at 4 a.m.
curled up
in the dark
on the floor
like a starfish
drunk with loneliness
& dripping from the rain.




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