the name of the world

excerpt from the name of the world by denis johnson

"and i rose and followed her down the brief corridor, out the back door into the midwest. she brought with her a small box of light wood - redwood, or cedar - built like a cigar box but naked of any design. when she saw me puzzling over it she opened the lid to show me it held a variety of envelopes, used envelopes, of many different sizes and colors, but generally of the sort for letters or greeting cards. we sat beside each other on the new grass, she with the box in her lap; and she fingered through the envelopes as if searching for one in particular. her knee lay lightly against my hip. all this was fine, but it wasn't enough. i wanted something more than mere physical touch. something unexpected. something impossible to foresee. . . after these four years in the midwest i'd learned to expect any kind of weather at any moment. i had rejected the weather, in a way, had walled myself off from any approach of the elements, had made them my enemy after the weather had become, in effect, the murderer of my wife and daughter.
     flower said, 'will you give me a sample of your handwriting?'
     i didn't know how to respond to this. 'i'm not sure.'
     'write down a few words for me. a sentence, a phrase, a name, anything.' she closed the box and set it in my lap. 'do you have a business card?'
     here i felt our movement toward the unforeseen, in the direction of something that couldn't have been predicted. i don't think i'll try to explain what i mean by that. instead i'll hope it comes clear on its own. i put one of my business cards flat on the lid of the box and pushed the ball point from the pen with my thumb. a phrase? a name? i wrote: the name of the world - across the back of my card and set the box in flower's lap.
     she looked at my writing and read the phrase aloud. she opened the lid and put the card in one of the envelopes and closed it up with all the others inside their box and held it in her lap again. . .
     why she wanted to spend this time with me i could only guess, because i was afraid to ask. i sat beside her looking at the daylight moon, wanting to kiss her, but afraid to. also i had a powerful urge to leave, to get away from her, or from myself in this situation, but that idea scared me, too, because i saw myself five minutes down the road, braking and considering, accelerating and stopping, maybe even turning the car around in the big fields, the only person in the only car from horizon to horizon, and then turning the car around yet once again and heading home, wanting to go back to her, but afraid to.
     now i'm going to interrupt myself, and i don't know how to signal that except by saying it.
     looking over the pages of this reminiscence, i see i've misled. i've created the impression that what i've been aiming at is the account of a one-night stand, and that the item pending most crucially between flower and me was my loss of a kind of late-life virginity. i've implied i'd had nothing to do with women since i'd lost my wife. that's not true.
     the worst of my disequilibrium had passed in a couple of years. i wouldn't bore even a highly paid psychiatrist with the details of my love life, my sex life, during this period, except to say that it was quite a lot less than nothing -- that is, i couldn't bear to have so much as a single sexual thought, let a single desire so much as flicker in my mind, during the two years after i was widowed. not only because my grief made me loyal to my wife, but also because i was grieving for someone who was dead, and death is such a physical thing. i didn't even like facts about things, and in a secret way i came to hate the truth itself.
     this extra dimension of loneliness, this revulsion for the world and even, at first, for the stuff of which it was composed, seemed unique at the time. but i think i see now that it was completely typical, and that what revolted me above all was the understanding that everything passes away.
     so this sad insight didn't first visit me while i waited with flower for something to happen between us. . .
     am i making sense in this account? am i intelligible? or am i muttering? i think it stands a chance of being useful. that's the point of writing it all down. it's not just an aid to private introspection. but am i being too meditative? too introspective?
     the joint of flower's collarbones showed in the neck of her smock, and just below it the moles and imperfections in the flesh on her breastbone. to let my wife and child be dead. i didn't think i was cruel enough for that. because that is what the imperfections in flower's skin invited me to do. there was a sense in which anne and elsie had to be killed, and killing them was up to me.
     i had to break the tension, the mixed desire and shame, i had to say anything at all. 'i'd like to read the phrases inside your envelopes. let me see what other people wrote.'
     'i can't let you do that.'
     'why not?'
     'because then when these words are all closed up inside this box they won't be in a dark place anymore. light will leak in and they'll slowly get eaten up. a dim light. a deteriorating light. the light that comes from your mind.'
     'what do you mean? my mind in particular, or anybody who happens to read them?'
     'anybody's mind. if anybody finds out what they say, their perfection will slowly deteriorate.'
     'but you know, don't you? you've read them.'
     'yes. but if anybody else ever does, then what they're doing inside me will be destroyed.'
     she looked at me now with a very vivid, communicative expression on her lovely face. it said she was quite willing to view all this as absurd and humorous, but her eyes emanated a deep curiosity to see if i might somehow understand. i think i did understand. but i don't think she believed i did.
     and i did kiss her. touched her sleeve with my fingers. she didn't draw away. i plucked at her sleeve and she came close and i put my lips to hers.
     'okay,' she said. 'come back inside, please.'
     she took me by the hand, carrying her box in the crook of her arm. on the way in she toed the rubber-tipped stopper with her pointed boot, and the heavy door swung to behind us. she set the box of phrases beside her pallet in the classroom and we descended onto the folds of nylon - it was a sleeping bag, not much of a cushion against the concrete floor. for a few minutes we kissed wildly, but i felt like a man in the wrong neighborhood, expecting at any moment to turn onto the right street, wondering where the hell it is and growing more and more panicked and disoriented. she was sweet, nothing about her felt held back, no slight deflection, no place reserved for herself, no irony or mischief, no studious objectivity, none of the stratagems that might have kept part of her out of this dalliance. . .
     this - now - was the point i'd wanted to reach with her. all the expected moments had been stepped through. one step more would take us into moments that could never have been foretold. i opened the door and put my feet out and pulled on my shoes. i buttoned my shirt, i watched her shape. i turned off the motor and went back. . .
     looking for something or other, she wandered among her objects, these multifarious seashells, sprays of baby's breath, sprays of peacock feathers like abstract eyes on white necks, many-colored balls of yarn, tinfoil collected into shiny knots, miniature bottles you could fill to overflowing from a thimble, somber and translucent, purple, blue, green. she'd made her world a space for these things, for the train cars and props of model railroads, particularly the engines, small and black and heavy engines; birds' nests cradling eggshells of turquoise and mottled amber: things whose perishing had been arrested by their power to make her love them. objects not stored in boxes and labeled for eventual use, but left out in plain sight to be found and contemplated. left open to encounters with strangers."