absent

quotes from in the realm of hungry ghosts by gabor mate

"psychological isolation tips people into addiction in the first place, and addiction keeps them isolated because it sets a higher value on their motivations and behaviors around the drug than on anything else - even human contact."

"if the differences between my behaviors and the self-annihilating life patterns of my clients are obvious, the similarities are illuminating - and humbling. i have come to see addiction not as a discrete, solid entity - a case of 'either you got it or you don't got it' - but as a subtle and extensive continuum."

"addictions, even as they resemble normal human yearnings, are more about desire than attainment. in the addicted mode, the emotional charge is in the pursuit and the acquisition of the desired object, not in the possession and enjoyment of it. the greatest pleasure is in the momentary satisfaction of yearning. the fundamental addiction is to the fleeting experience of not being addicted. the addict craves the absence of the craving state. for a brief moment he's liberated from emptiness, from boredom, from lack of meaning, from yearning, from being driven or from pain. he is free. his enslavement to the external - the substance, the object, or the activity - consists of the impossibility, in his mind, or finding within himself the freedom from longing or irritability."

"if in doubt, ask yourself one simple question: given the harm you're doing to yourself and others, are you willing to stop? if not, you're addicted. and if you're unable to renounce the behavior or to keep your pledge when you do, you're addicted."

"you may even devote your entire life to a passion, but if it's truly a passion and not an addiction, you'll do so with freedom, joy, and a full assertion of your truest self and values. in addiction, there's no joy, freedom, or assertion. . . addiction is centrifugal. it sucks energy from you, creating a vacuum of inertia. a passion energizes you and enriches your relationships. it empowers you and gives strength to others. passion creates, addiction consumes - first the self and then the others within its orbit."

"my relationship with rae loses vitality. because my internal world is dominated by obsession, i have little to say, and what i do say rings hollow in my own ears. because my attention is pulled inward, the interest i offer her becomes dutiful, rather than genuine. when i'm in one of my addictive cycles, it's almost as if i were engaged in a sexual affair, with all the attendant obsession, lying, and manipulation. above all, i'm absent. it's impossible to be present when you're putting up walls to keep from being seen. intimacy and spontaneity are sacrificed."