defeated

all quotes from start where you are by pema chodron

"it is unconditional compassion for ourselves that leads naturally to unconditional compassion for others. if we are willing to stand fully in our own shoes and never give up on ourselves, then we will be able to put ourselves in the shoes of others and never give up on them. . . when we hear about compassion, it naturally brings up working with others, caring for others. the reason we're often not there for others -- whether for our child or our mother or someone who is insulting us or someone who frightens us -- is that we're not there for ourselves. there are whole parts of ourselves that are so unwanted that whenever they begin to come up we run away."

"only to the degree that we've gotten to know our personal pain, only to the degree that we've related with pain at all, will we be fearless enough, brave enough. . . to be willing to feel the pain of others."

"the basic message of the lojong teachings is that if it's painful, you can learn to hold your seat and move closer to that pain. reverse the usual pattern, which is to split, to escape. go against the grain and hold your seat. lojong introduces a different attitude toward unwanted stuff: if it's painful, you become willing not just to endure it but also to let it awaken your heart and soften you. you learn to embrace it.

if an experience is delightful or pleasant, usually we want to grab it and make it last. we're afraid that it will end. we're not inclined to share it. the lojong teachings encourage us, if we enjoy what we are experiencing, to think of other people and wish for them to feel that. share the wealth. be generous with your joy. give away what you most want. be generous with your insights and delights. instead of fearing that they're going to slip away and holding on to them, share them."

"'gain and victory to others, loss and defeat to myself' . . . in essence what this little saying is getting at is that words like victory and defeat are completely interwoven with how we protect ourselves, how we guard our hearts. our sense of victory just means that we guarded our heart enough so that nothing got through, and we think we won the war. the armor around our soft spot -- our wounded heart -- is now more fortified, and our world is smaller. maybe nothing is getting in to scare us for one whole week, but our courage is weakening, and our sense of caring about others is getting completely obscured. did we really win the war?

on the other hand, our sense of being defeated means that something got in. . . this vulnerability that we've kept armored for ages -- something touched it. . . these words defeat and victory are so tied up with how we stay imprisoned. . . the confusion deepens each time we buy into this win/lose logic: if you touch me, that is defeat, and if i manage to armor myself and not be touched, that's victory."