attaching versus joining

excerpt from codependence and the power of detachment by karen casey:

it might be said that roberta was a natural at detaching. or it might be said that her fear of intimacy, sown in her family of origin, taught her to isolate herself and to be self-focused -- and that's not the same as making a healthy choice to detach. although roberta was a good role model for many of us at al-anon, she also didn't allow herself to be vulnerable or to need others. to me, this invulnerability can be as much a flaw as a strength.

reciprocity in relationships strengthens them. generally, this reciprocity occurs through the normal sharing of one's fears and failings and dreams. if you aren't in the habit of revealing your inner self to anyone else, it's hard to build a relationship that is intimate and sustaining. superficial friendships are easy to make, but we need to have at least one person who knows all of us.

so how can we have healthy reciprocity and vulnerability in a relationship without being unhealthily attached and codependent? the key is to distinguish between 'attaching to' and 'joining with' others.

for simplicity, we can think of attachment as the opposite of detachment. in other words, attaching ourselves is akin to clinging to another person and letting that person decide what we should be thinking or saying or doing. living this way is a death sentence for our soul. it removes our choices for doing the next right thing. we do not want to cling or be attached in this way.

however, we do want to join with other people. the difference is that when we join with others, we still allow them to have their own opinions, have their own set of values, and make whatever choices are right for them -- all without feeling that we need to concur. even more important, we allow them their choices without feeling that we need to disagree. we can mutually allow one another the freedom to be whom or what we need to be with absolutely no judgment. as a result, we do not feel controlled by people we choose to join with, nor do we feel the need to control them.