the myth of control

from too perfect by allan e. mallinger and jeannette dewyze

chapter two

"the whole reason obsessives construct and embrace the myth of control is to fend off anxiety; and when an experience contradicts the myth, if they can't ignore or reinterpret the experience, the anxiety returns with a vengeance. they may even develop physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach problems, sleeplessness, or dizzy spells."

"when obsessives lapse while dieting or trying to quit smoking or drinking, they may have trouble moving beyond their lapse and refocusing on the goal. . .  not because they seriously think one slip will make them fat, sick, or drunk, but rather because they lost control. they failed to make themselves do what they decided to do, and if such a slip occurred once, who knows where it could lead?"

"one patient told me she hated to miss even a single workout because it made her feel she couldn't trust herself, and that frightened her. this all-or-nothing thinking occurs partly because obsessives rarely live in the present. they think in terms of trends stretching into the future. no action is an isolated event; each is merely a part of something bigger, so every false step has major ramifications. . .  obsessives tend to envision the worst possible outcome of a scenario and then worry as if such a scenario had in fact come to pass. or they will mentally magnify small personal gaffes into something far more serious."

"by their nature, emotions sometimes defy control, and this unruliness disturbs the obsessive. also, through their extremist lenses, many obsessives unconsciously fear that any show of emotion could lead to their humiliating themselves, devastating someone else, being rejected, or even losing all self-control. . . when their feelings are starting to surface in therapy sessions, many obsessive patients will deliver an intellectual analysis of them, change the subject, joke, or focus on something trivial - anything to avoid actually feeling and exploring this perturbing part of themselves."

"some may repress their feelings so effectively that they do not know what their feelings are; they come to believe they were born without the normal emotional range present in others. this causes them pain, as they sense themselves to be defective in some core way. in their wish to seem normal (to themselves and others), these people may fake whatever feelings they think are appropriate in various situations. or they may unconsciously compensate for their perceived defect in an altogether different way, by idealizing it. . . people who take this path disdain feeling as evidence of weakness. they sneer at emotional people and admire intellect and reason. they thus convert the pain of feeling defective into pride in being 'strong'."

"my patients use a subtler strategy to control those around them: they strive to make people think well of them, always. the main objective underlying this strategy is to leave no room for criticism. in early childhood we learn which behavior and abilities are labeled 'good' by parents, teachers, and others. many obsessives master these skills, developing a brilliant facility for identifying those attitudes and behaviors considered virtues in each new social setting, and then adopting them absolutely. thoughts or impulses incompatible with this image of perfection are suppressed or rejected."

"obsessives believe that knowledge imparts a protective power. a related form of 'vigilance' is the obsessive's tendency to worry, as if internal fretting over anything that might go wrong can actually prevent it from happening."

"their 'fairness doctrine' helps them to hold on to the illusion of control. and intertwined with the conviction of cosmic justice, most obsessives hold a belief, also unconscious, in what i call the cosmic scorekeeper. . . this notion enables obsessives to believe that they can control their destiny by being good or bad. they can guarantee themselves safe passage by making the scorekeeper owe it to them. they do this by piling up a track record of self-denial, sacrifice, industry, diligence, honesty, and loyalty rivaling that of a saint. they try to avoid behaviors, feelings, even thoughts that will subtract points from their stockpile of sacrifices. . . before doing something 'selfish,' they may need to earn it by performing some distasteful (but noble) duty."

"like many other obsessives, every time things begin to go 'to well' for her, dory braces herself for the scorekeeper to balance them out. similarly, if she has some bad luck, she wonders what she did to cause it. did she step on the figurative crack in the sidewalk? did she have overly selfish or hostile thoughts? did she feel too much pleasure? or let herself become too optimistic and confident, jinxing herself? the minute she finds her 'misstep,' she feels better because she can tell herself that she can prevent the misfortune next time by simply behaving differently."

"if they work at something such as school, therapy, or staying healthy, and their efforts don't succeed, they may feel cheated and resentful. . . time after time she expected fairness and was disappointed and outraged when she failed to get it."

"when she and a group of friends were deciding where to go for dinner, jennifer knew immediately in her own mind which was the best choice. she refrained, however, from explicitly trying to persuade the group to go there. 'i didn't want the whole decision to be on my shoulders,' she said. (in the next chapters we'll take a close look at how perfectionism commonly provokes such fear of decision-making.) instead she insisted that the choice made no difference to her. the more the group discussed other possibilities, however, the more jennifer inwardly chafed. almost in spite of herself, she began to try unobtrusively to influence the decision toward her preference, casually mentioning a few advantages of the spot, noting a drawback to one of the alternatives. and yet almost the moment the group did select her preference, jennifer found herself regretting she had ever said anything that might have tipped the scales in the decision. all the way to the restaurant she worried: about whether the same chef was working there; whether everyone in the group would like this type of food; whether the service would be too slow. later, when one of her companions voiced a minor complaint about his meal, the comment deeply upset her. she had assumed total responsibility over the whole experience, as if it were within her control to make everything work out well."

chapter five

"obsessives tend to be especially sensitive to demands, either real or imagined, that are placed upon them. one aspect of demand-sensitivity is the tendency to 'hear' demands or expectations in an exaggerated way."

"whether or not the obsessive person complies with them, they are exquisitely attuned to . . . unstated obligations. in fact, they hear them as if they were shouted through a bullhorn. placed in a new situation, their first concern often is getting the lay of the land, discovering what the rules are."

"people who need to be above reproach are often most comfortable when they feel their decisions and actions are being dictated by outside forces. . . in the obsessive's worldview, where conscientiousness is king, it's better to be fulfilling one's duty than satisfying one's own needs."

"the costs of unconsciously disowning one's desires are high. . . when most of your activities feel like obligations, you can reach a point where nothing gives you pleasure, and life feels meaningless. you don't feel like an active participant, taking what enjoyment you can in life, but instead experience yourself as a passive recipient, grinding away at the obligations that are laid upon you. . . a solid sense of self requires a consistent awareness of your volitional side - what you want. without that anchor, you wind up feeling insubstantial and passive, and you may feel more vulnerable to external influences, especially the wishes of others. because you feel (at an unconscious level) as if your sense of self - unanchored as it is - can at any moment be overrun by more powerful outside forces, you are compelled to guard against people who seem strong or intrusive, or who get too close."

"gerald saw a clear connection between his oppositional adult self and the child who so often had felt threatened by his mother's demands.
'one major source of confrontation was food. even when i was hungry, i resented how my mother controlled my meals. she gave me more than i wanted; she made me eat foods she knew i didn't like without giving me the chance to say no. it was like i was an extension of her needs, as if she were saying, 'if you eat, i'll be happy.' i was just mirroring something in her. i felt that if i just automatically complied with whatever she asked, i'd be asked to do it again. and i'd be asked to do so many things, i'd always be reacting and never stopping to know what i wanted.'
'and what then?'
'i wouldn't be there. i wouldn't exist! there would be no i!'
eventually, gerald found a weapon. 'the weapon was holding back,' he told me. 'if i didn't eat, it drove my mother crazy. if i withheld affection, it caused my parents pain. it made me feel powerful, in control'. . .
i would describe gerald as intensely 'demand-resistant' - that is, inclined to balk at various expectations simply because they are perceived as demands. as gerald discovered, demand-resistance is closely connected with interpersonal control. first, it's a way of safeguarding one's fragile sense of self by refusing to be overpowered or controlled by others. second, it is a way of reassuring oneself that one can have a subtle impact on - and control over - others by frustrating them. . .
a small percentage of people, like gerald, consciously recognize that they feel resentful, not only when someone tells them what to do, but when they feel even a subtle expectation or pressure. some may have a reputation for being stubborn or oppositional. but it's far more common for demand-resistance to be nearly undetectable. inwardly, the obsessive may have some hesitancy when confronted by certain demands. 'i get a tightness inside, a tightness in my gut,' is how one patient described it. 'i feel a suppressed anger.' but often there are no external signs of this private turmoil. in other cases there are outward signs - procrastination or inability to stay with a task, for example - but the foot-dragger himself is bewildered and often dismayed by his inability to do what he consciously thinks he wants to do."

"even self-employed obsessives can experience inner demands as somehow coming from the outside. with no boss or supervisor to blame, they focus their resentment on the work itself, their clients, or their dependents (who are 'making' them work). when demand-resistance sabotages their on-the-job performance, many obsessives start to feel demoralized because normally they take pride in their ability to work effectively. for many, the 'solution' to this dismaying turn of events is to rationalize their resentment of, and alienation from, their work in ways that enhance rather than hurt their self-image. since practically everyone regards conscientiousness as a virtue, that in itself often provides the perfect excuse. the obsessive tells himself he's a victim of exploited conscientiousness. . . his feelings of victimization explain his negative attitude toward his work, and meanwhile his demand-resistance goes undetected."

"perhaps even sadder than its impact on his work is the damage demand-resistance can inflict on the obsessive's experience of his leisure-time activities. one painful consequence of the conversion of 'wants' into 'shoulds' is that at some point the obsessive comes to regard even potentially joyful activities as burdens. an obsessive may take up a project or hobby with a pleasant sense of anticipation. but somehow 'i'd like to knit my husband a sweater' becomes 'i really ought to work on that sweater' - something that should be done, exactly like an external demand. the person begins to slog through the project, rather than relaxing and enjoying the chance to be creative. sometimes this unconscious resistance doesn't affect the actual performance of the task, but often it does. for instance, the person may begin procrastinating. in extreme cases it can lead to the abandonment of one hobby or personal goal after another. . . 'i get the feeling that as soon as i put a goal down on paper, it becomes an obligation!'"

"many obsessives also have a fear of dependency, and of intimacy. . . demand-resistance can inflict more serious damage on a well-established relationship. . . sheila felt a lingering hurt and anger when she underwent major surgery and her husband, gary, acted cool and distant. why did he behave that way? not because he didn't love her or was insensitive to her need for nurturance, but because he recoiled from the expectation that he give such nurturance."

"since his demand-resistance was unconscious, gary blamed his lack of compliance with his wife on other factors. he told me he didn't want to 'set a precedent': 'i feel if i did break the ice and open up a dialogue, it would be a constant expectation, that i'd have to sit and talk every night. i have this feeling that precedents are being set all the time, and they'll be thrown in my face in the future.' although gary expressed apparently sincere love and respect for his wife, he often felt irritated by her, a pattern i've seen repeatedly among resistive obsessives. often they will harbor resentment toward the people, institutions, or rules they feel demand them to behave a certain way."

"'i don't want to make a commitment of friendship to her right now. i don't want to set up expectations - i don't want her to come to expect my time or energy. i don't like to feel that people have claims on my time,' judy said. even the thought of such demands made her feel panicky. 'i just want out. i feel in danger of being smothered. to be around people, i have to do it on my terms instead of shared terms or their terms'. . . 'i feel i might never really know my self unless i resist in this way.'"

"the most important step in overcoming demand-resistance is recognizing the demand-resistance consciously as it is happening. oddly, i find that many people are able to make changes as soon as they are able to recognize what's occurring. . . start paying attention to the number of times you think, feel, or say 'i should' or 'i have to' rather than 'i want.' if you are demand-resistant, this way of thinking is a self-protective habit that has grown out of proportion, causing you needless pain and undermining your sense of autonomy. . . don't let the ownership of your life slip away. realize that even when you are pressured to do something, the decision to comply or not is entirely yours."