the moment of absorption

quotes from event factory by renee gladman

"something had not been right there for a long time now, so the situation must be escalating. but why was it affecting him physically? 'what do you need,' i asked him. i tried to register my own health. the signals from my body were scattered and despondent. i decided to ignore its information entirely. there were too many 'feelings' sounding off in too many parts for me to believe any of them real. first, i was gripping my ankle and then i was grabbing at my sides, and just as i got comfortable attending to these areas, a pain erupted in my head, and my pelvis felt as though it had been ripped in two. ulchi, on the other hand, had just one symptom: he could not breathe."

"architecture again. it always comes to that. i can never get inside it; the singing structure eludes me. all my life, i swear that this has been true: i look at a shape, then look out into the world for the contents to fill it, but the thing i bring back does not fit - it more than not-fits, it destroys the shape altogether. as though putting my hands on things causes their distinctions to blur, as though i am not right to touch."

"i woke up in the green dawn and accepted the converse of my last spoken words. back there on the the grass, some place between pain and pleasure, my mind turned over the question of abandonment. it inserted an illusion, where reality would have destroyed me. the body deserted. standing now i recalled that voice, which at the time seemed as far away as a dream, saying, 'look at what i am writing.' was that she?"

"nothing had happened since dar left. it seemed that nothing ever would. but you say that, then you look around, and everything has changed. the mile i had counted was actually three. and i was already in a conversation."

"suddenly, as i turned the corner, a new idea struck me: in any city, where there is a crisis, one always encounters those who deny the occurrence of that very crisis, and eventually one finds out about the activists, but there is also a group that is equally as persuasive as the two above, just not interviewed as much - this group called 'the artists.'"

"i passed her. it did not feel good. i was stunned. i let a day go by. i could not tell if seeing her really happened. i was moody. i had not eaten. i found a comfortable place and began to read. the book held me; i leaned against it. i was waiting to be absorbed. i wanted to feel its mouth on me, its teeth break the surface of my skin - to witness myself growing smaller, dividing, falling through the tunnel of the book, fully inside it, until i vanished from here and existed there only -"

"so far, what i had gathered in this reading of matlatli doc was the difficulty of matching the moment of absorption (understanding) to the actual event that allowed for it. also, i found that amini was fond of the ravic phrase indicating 'it's not this gate but the one behind you' - often translated as 'your mistake and your other's mistake' - to talk about chamber music. i had forgotten how much waiting had to do with music."

"to move through this city was the only way to depart from it, which is what i had been doing all along. while arrival, if ever achieved, is one of the most minimalist of experiences, departure is long, luxuriating torture. but the name of my torturer was never know; i did not think i had uttered it. i did not think i had ever faced that person."