more truthful lives

from everyone loves a good train wreck by eric wilson

"death's perpetual certitude inspires us to imagine more truthful lives. but death, by thwarting narcissism, also elevates our ethical imaginations. what does the egotist believe but that his existence is more important than those of others, that his self is of immense value and preeminently worthy of being nourished and perpetuated? death deflates this puffery, positing that all attempts to boost the "i" are ultimately vain. though you are unique on one level, on another you are the same as everyone else: you will suffer and die and return to the dirt.

shaking us out of narcissism, death calls us to merge with our fellows, to enter into a global community bound by hurt. it says: you are dying, and this is pain, and you would like to alleviate it in any way possible, and so now you apprehend the plight of all others, also moribund and agonized and in need of succor. obviously, when we experience this distress, we don't by necessity become aware of the miseries of others. we can hurt selfishly, convincing ourselves that our discomfort is worse than anyone else's and thus deserving of the most care. but hopefully we will, when we realize that our lot is common, suffer charitably, and so translate our own groaning into empathy with another's torment."

kudos

quotes from kudos by rachel cusk

"i said that while her story suggested that human lives could be governed by the laws of narrative, and all the notions of retribution and justice that narrative lays claim to, it was in fact merely her interpretation of events that created that illusion. the couple's divorce, in other words, had nothing to do with her secret envy of them and her desire for their downfall: it was her own capacity for storytelling - which, as i had already told her, had affected me all those years ago - that made her see her own hand in what happened around her. yet the suspicion that her own desires were shaping the lives of other people, and even causing them to suffer, did not seem to lead her to feel guilt. it was an interesting idea, i said, that the narrative impulse might spring from the desire to avoid guilt, rather than from the need - as was generally assumed - to connect things together in a meaningful way; that it was a strategy calculated, in other words, to disburden ourselves of responsibility."

"'i have known many men,' sophia said, resting her slender arms on the table, whose white cloth was littered with crumpled napkins and wine stains and half-eaten pieces of bread, 'from many different parts of the world, and the men of this nation,' she said, blinking her painted eyes and smiling, 'are the sweetest but also the most childlike. behind every man is his mother,' she said, 'who made so much fuss of him he will never recover from it, and will never understand why the rest of the world doesn't make the same fuss of him, particularly the woman who has replaced his mother and who he can neither trust nor forgive for replacing her. these men like nothing better than to have a child,' she said, 'because then the whole cycle is repeated and they feel comfortable. men from other places are different,' she said, 'but in the end neither better nor worse: they are better lovers but less courteous, or they are more confident but less considerate. 'the english man,' she said, looking at me, 'is in my experience the worst, because he is neither a skilled lover nor a sweet child, and because his idea of a woman is something made of plastic not flesh. the english man is sent away from his mother, and so he wants to marry his mother and perhaps even to be his mother, and while he is usually polite and reasonable to women, as a stranger would be, he doesn't understand what they are."

ambiguous loss

from ambiguous loss by pauline boss

"the outcomes of ptsd are also similar, though not identical, to outcomes of long-term ambiguous loss. both can result in depression, anxiety, psychic numbing, distressing dreams, and guilt. but ambiguous loss is unique in that the trauma goes on and on in what families describe as a rollercoaster ride, during which they alternate between hope and hopelessness. a loved one is missing, then sighted, then lost again. or a family member is dying, then goes into remission, then the illness returns again in full force. hopes are raised and dashed so many times that psychically people no longer react."

"learning to live with the ambiguity of divorce and remarriage requires a whole new set of skills. the first is to revise our perception of who our family is and who it is not. . . all this requires a second skill, the ability to let go of needing an absolute and precise definition of family. . . rather than weakening the family, such elasticity in family composition enhances resilience and flexibility. . . in a sense one has to abandon the concept of monogamy in order to make divorce and remarriage work because a first marriage does not simply stop when a second one starts. it is forever a part of the fabric of one's life."

"ambivalence can result from the ambiguity of not knowing who is included in the structure that is supposed to be one's family. conflicting impulses that may exist in the psyche are often a consequence of this uncertainty.

ambivalence is often intensified by deficiencies outside the family -- officials cannot find a missing person or medical experts cannot clearly diagnose or cure a devastating illness. because of the ambiguity, loved ones can't make sense out of their situation and emotionally are pulled in opposing directions -- love and hate for the same person; acceptance and rejection of their caregiving role; affirmation and denial of their loss. often people feel they must withhold their emotions and control their aggressive feelings because social norms dictate that becoming upset is inappropriate and will only bring further harm to the missing person, demented elder, or comatose child. this is the bind, especially for women, who are most often caught in caregiving or waiting roles.

mixed emotions are compounded when a separation involves the potential of irretrievable loss. when there is a chance that we will never see a loved one again, we protect ourselves from the prospect of losing that person by becoming ambivalent -- holding our spouse at arm's length, picking a fight with a parent, or shutting a sibling out even when he or she is still physically present. anticipating a loss, we both cling to our loved ones and push them away. we resist their leaving and at the same time want to be finished with the goodbye."

"if we are to turn the corner and cope with uncertain losses, we must first temper our hunger for mastery. this is the paradox. to regain a sense of mastery when there is ambiguity about a loved one's absence or presence, we must give up trying to find the perfect solution. we must redefine our relationship to the missing person. most important, we must realize that the confusion we are experiencing is attributable to the ambiguity rather than to something we did -- or neglected to do."

"for people who are accustomed to having some control over their lives, insight appears to help; such people want to understand 'why,' to penetrate the deeper meaning of an experience before they risk doing something different. but for others, insight is gained experientially, not cognitively. for them, the family therapist carl whitaker was right when he said, 'you only know what something is after you've gone past it.' people have to experience a phenomenon before they can understand it. what is clear to me is that we as clinicians must be more sensitive to individual differences in ways of understanding a situation if we are to avoid creating the very resistance we sometimes attribute to the people we are trying to help."