living it up

 by max ritvo, from four reincarnations

the bed is on fire, and are you laughing?

you leave the bed

and leave me without thought.

the springs want to embrace each other

but they're afraid if they break

their spiral, they will never

be able to hold anyone.

i wish you would let me know

how difficult it is to love me.

then i would know you love me

beneath all that difficulty.

you are tending not only to me, you tell me, 

but to your other child -- the air,

and air puts his feet in my slippers,

and air scrubs his teeth on my brush,

and we must learn to share a bed,

we must learn to share a body.

the money is running out.

we will have to split one needle

this winter -- one end for me,

one end for air.

irresistible

 from the needle's eye by fanny howe

"degenerating matter is as alive as young matter, even feistier sometimes, for life fights for life. the stony planets are vibrating as are the chips and bones and ashes on this flying rock. but is that really living? only if empathy is pulling them around like gravity: an irresistible attachment to each other's fate." (56)

ha ha! you thought you got to choose

 from know my name by chanel miller

"you belong here, she said. and anger is allowed to be embodied. rage for the perpetrator, bystanders, society, was a healthy and normal response. some direct anger inward toward themselves, feeling that this is the only safe way to be angry. this could result in negative self-talk, blaming ourselves for the trauma, struggling to reconcile prior beliefs about justice, systems of meaning." (306)

"no matter how formidable or self-assured i might become, i will always be a tadpole. i believe that's what being a victim is, living with that little finicky, darting thing inside you. most people say development is linear, but for survivors it is cyclic. people grow up, victims grow around; we strengthen that place of hurt, become older and fuller, but the vulnerable core is never gone. more than becoming a frog, i believe surviving means learning to live forever with this trembling tadpole." (307)

"writing is the way i process the world. when i was given the opportunity to write this book, whatever god is up there said, you got your dream. i said, actually i was hoping for a lighter topic, and god was like ha ha! you thought you got to choose. this was the topic i was given. if something else had happened to me, i would have written about that too. when i get worked up over what happened, i tell myself, you are a pair of eyes. i'm a civilian who's been randomly selected to receive an all-access pass to the court system. feelings will include invasion, shame, isolation, cruelty. my job is to observe, feel, document, report. what am i learning and seeing that other people can't see? what doorways does my suffering lead to? people sometimes say, i can't imagine. how do i make them imagine? i write to show how victims are treated at this moment in time, to record the temperature of our culture. this is a marker, and i hope that in twenty years this grueling aftermath of victimhood will feel foreign." (315)

dot dot dot

 by ari banias, from anybody

touch me lightly as we walk around the polluted lake.

touch your arm to mine.

see the sunset behind the courthouse, and how they are one

 institution touching another. to my elbow touch your own

as the pelicans dip their otherworldly faces

in union into the night water. starched dress shirts

without bodies in them, without heads. 

walk with me up the residential hill and down the other side.

as we sit across from each other at the unexceptional thai restaurant

touch your leg to my leg. the table wobbles and because i am with you

i forget it. at the streetcorner,

smell the eucalyptus reminiscent of cat piss.

glance with me into the cardboard box at the discarded khakis

and rollerboard suitcase, and touch my shoulder. this is the key

broken off inside my car door in desperation by a stranger.

climb in through the trunk with me and touch your head to my head

at the cheek, at the temple, at the eye, at the lips.

let's go to the mucky shore and watch

the gondolier in the striped shirt, a cliche and real,

stroking the water seriously.

take my body away from me

lightly by touching me, take away

my head. steer me with gentleness

from the sizeable heap of oranges molding at the curb

which i would otherwise describe further.

song of the anti-sisyphus

  by chen chen from when i grow up i want to be a list of further possibilities

i want to start a snowball fight with you, late at night

in the supermarket parking lot. i want you

to do your worst. i want to put the groceries in the car first

because it's going to get nasty. because i was reading today

in the science section of the paper that passionate love

lasts only a year, maybe two, if you're lucky.

because i want to be extra, extra lucky. because the article 

apologized specifically to poets -- sorry, you hopeless

saps -- as though we automatically believe in love more

than anyone else (more than kindergarten teachers, long-haired

carpenters) & have been pushing this non-truth

on everyone. because who knows what will happen,

but i want to, baby, want to believe it's always possible

to love bigger & madder, even after two, three, four years,

four decades. i want a love as dirty as a snowball fight

in the sludge, under grimy yellow lights. i want this winter

inside my lungs. inside my brain & dream. i want to eat

the unplowed street & the fog that's been erasing 

evergreens. i want to eat the fog only to discover 

it's some giant's lost silver blanket. i want to 

find the giant & return to him his treasure.

i want the journey to be long. & strange, like a map 

drawn in snow by our shadows shivering. i want to shiver

against you, into you. i want the sound

of your teeth. i want the sound of the wind. i want to be

like the kids with their plastic sleds, gliding down, 

all the way down the hill, then trudging

their sleds & snowsuited bodies all the way

back to the top. i want to be how they do this, for hours,

till sunset, till some sensible someone has

to come drag them away from the snow, the slope,

the 3. . .            2. . .            1!

of joy. i want to be the anti-sisyphus, in love

with repetition, in love, in love. foolish repetition,

wise repetition. i want more hours, i want insomnia, i want

to replace the clock tick with tambourines. i want to growl,

moan, whisper, grunt, hum, & howl your name.

i want again & again your little dance, little booty shake

in big snow boots, as i sing your name.

for i will do/undo what was done/undone to me

 by chen chen from when i grow up i want to be a list of further possibilities

i pledge allegiance to the already fallen snow

& to the snow now falling. to the old snow & the new.

to foot & paw & tire prints in the snow both young & aging,

the deep & shallow marks left on cold streets, our long

misbegotten manuscripts. i pledge allegiance to the weather

report that promises more snow, plus freezing rain.

though i would minus the pluvial & plus the multitude

of messages pressed muddy into the perfectly

mutable snow, i have faith in the report that goes on to read:

by the end of the week, there will be an increased storm-related

illegibility of the asphalt & concrete & brick. for i pledge

betrayal to the fantasy of ever reading anything

completely. for i will do/undo what was done/undone to me:

to be brought into a patterned world of weathers

& reports. & thus i pledge allegiance to the always 

partial, the always translated, the always never

of knowing who's walking around, what's being left behind,

the signs, the cries, the breadcrumbs & the blood. the toe-

nails & armpit hair of our trying & failing to speak

our specks of here to the everywhere. dirty snow of my weary 

city, i ask you to tell me a story about your life

& you tell me you've left for another country,

but forgot your suitcase. at the airport they told you

not to worry, all your things have already been sent 

to your new place by your ninth-grade french teacher,

the only nice one. & the weather where your true love is

is governed by principles or persons you can't name,

imagine. it is that good, or bad.

kafka's axe & michael's vest

 by chen chen, from when i grow up i want to be a list of further possibilities

still winter. snowing, still. can it even be called action, this patience

in the form of gravity overdressed in gray?

days like this, the right silence can be an action, an axe,

right through the frozen sea, as kafka calls for. a necessary smashing,

opening. though silence can also be a shattering, closing.

 

think of peace & how the buddhists say it is found through silence.

think of silence & how audre lorde says it will not protect you.

 

think of silence as a violence, when silence means being made

a frozen sea. think of speaking as a violence, when speaking is a house

that dresses your life in the tidiest wallpaper. it makes your grief

 

sit down, this house. it makes you chairs when you need

justice. it keeps your rage room temperature. i've been thinking

 

about how the world is actually unbearable.

about all those moments of silence we're supposed to take.

each year, more moments, less life, & perhaps

 

the most monastic of monks are right to take vows 

of silence that last a decade.

 

though someone else (probably french) says our speaking

was never ours; our thoughts & selves housed 

by history, rooms we did not choose, but must live in.

 

think of paul celan, living

in the bone-rooms of german. living, singing.

 

what does it mean, to sing in the language of those

who have killed your mother,

would kill her again? does meaning shatter, leaving

 

behind the barest moan? this english, i bear it, a master's

axe, yet so is every tongue -- red with singing & killing. 

 

are we even built for peace? i think of breath & my teacher,

michael, one of the least masterly, most peaceful people i know,

& kafka's number one fan. i think of the puffy blue vest michael wears

 

when his breaths turn white. even when i'm doing my best

to think axes & walls, brave monks & unbearable houses,

 

the thought of michael in his bit-too-big deep blue vest

leaks in. & i don't think i will ever stop trying to sneak

into casual conversations the word "ululation." if only all language

 

could be ululation in blue vests. if silence could always be

as quiet as michael, sitting with his coffee & his book, rereading.

sorry

 excerpts from on earth we're briefly gorgeous by ocean vuong

the most common english word spoken in the nail salon was sorry. it was the one refrain for what it meant to work in the service of beauty. again and again, i watched as manicurists, bowed over a hand or foot of a client, some young as seven, say, "i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm so, so sorry," when they had done nothing wrong. i have seen workers, you included, apologize dozens of times throughout a forty-five-minute manicure, hoping to gain warm traction that would lead to the ultimate goal, a tip-- only to say sorry anyway when none was given.

in the nail salon, sorry is a tool one uses to pander until the word itself becomes currency. it no longer merely apologizes, but insists, reminds: i'm here, right here, beneath you. it is the lowering of oneself so that the client feels right, superior, and charitable. in the nail salon, one's definition of sorry is deranged into a new word entirely, one that's charged and reused as both power and defacement at once. being sorry pays, being sorry even, or especially, when one has no fault, is worth every self-deprecating syllable the mouth allows. because the mouth must eat.

and yet it's not only so in the nail salon, ma. in those tobacco fields, too, we said it. "lo siento," manny would utter as he walked across mr. buford's field of vision. "lo siento," rigo whispered as he reached to place a machete back on the wall where buford sat ticking off numbers on a clipboard. "lo siento," i said to the boss after missing a day when lan had another schizophrenic attack and had shoved all her clothes into the oven, saying she had to get rid of the "evidence." "lo siento," we said when, one day, night arrived only to find the field half harvested, the tractor, its blown-out engine, sitting in the stilled dark. "lo siento, senor," each of us said as we walked past the truck with buford inside blasting hank williams and staring at his withered crop, a palm-sized photo of ronald reagan taped to the dash. how the day after, we began work not with "good morning" but with "lo siento." the phrase with its sound of a bootstep sinking, then lifted, from mud. the slick muck of it wetting our tongues as we apologized ourselves back to making our living. again and again, i write to you regretting my tongue. 

******************************************************************************

what do you call the animal that, finding the hunter, offers itself to be eaten? a martyr? a weakling? no, a beast gaining the rare agency to stop. yes, the period in the sentence -- it's what makes us human, ma, i swear. it lets us stop in order to keep going. 

because submission, i soon learned, was also a kind of power. 

*******************************************************************************

let me tie my shadow to your feet and call it friendship, i said to myself.

*******************************************************************************

i'm not telling you a story so much as a shipwreck -- the pieces floating, finally legible.

*******************************************************************************

later, i would learn that this was a common scene on a saigon night. city coroners, underfunded, don't always work around the clock. when someone dies in the middle of the night, they get trapped in a municipal limbo where the corpse remains inside its death. as a response, a grassroots movement was formed as a communal salve. neighbors, having learned of a sudden death, would, in under an hour, pool money and hire a troupe of drag performers for what was called "delaying sadness." 

in saigon, the sound of music and children playing this late in the night is a sign of death -- or rather, a sign of a community attempting to heal.

it's through the drag performers' explosive outfits and gestures, their overdrawn faces and voices, their tabooed trespass of gender, that this relief, through extravagant spectacle, is manifest. as much as they are useful, paid, and empowered as a vital service in a society where to be queer is till a sin, the drag queens are, for as long as the dead lie in the open, an othered performance. their presumed, reliable fraudulence is what makes their presence, to the mourners, necessary. because grief, at its worst, is unreal. and it calls for a surreal response. the queens - in this way - are unicorns.

unicorns stamping in a graveyard

moonbeam

 by louise gluck, from the seven ages

 

the mist rose with a little sound. like a thud. 

which was the heart beating. and the sun rose, briefly diluted.

and after what seemed years, it sank again

and twilight washed over the shore and deepened there. 

and from out of nowhere lovers came, 

people who still had bodies and hearts. who still had 

arms, legs, mouths, although by day they might be

housewives and businessmen.

the same night also produced people like ourselves.

you are like me, whether or not you admit it.

unsatisfied, meticulous. and your hunger is not for experience

but for understanding, as though it could be had in the abstract.

then it's daylight again and the world goes back to normal.

the lovers smooth their hair; the moon resumes its hollow existence.

and the beach belongs again to mysterious birds

soon to appear on postage stamps.

but what of our memories, the memories of those who depend on images?

do they count for nothing?

the mist rose, taking back proof of love.

without which we have only the mirror, you and i.

~nobel prize winner~

💙 

the seven ages by louise gluck

 

in my first dream the world appeared

the salt, the bitter, the forbidden, the sweet

in my second i descended

 

i was human, i couldn't just see a thing

beast that i am

 

i had to touch, to contain it

 

i hid in the groves,

i worked in the fields until the fields were bare --

 

time

that will never come again --

the dry wheat bound, caskets

of figs and olives

 

i even loved a few times in my disgusting human way

 

and like everyone i called that accomplishment

erotic freedom,

absurd as it seems

 

the wheat gathered and stored, the last

fruit dried: time

 

that is hoarded, that is never used,

does it also end?

 

in my first dream the world appeared

the sweet, the forbidden

but there was no garden, only

raw elements

 

i was human: 

i had to beg to descend

 

the salt, the bitter, the demanding, the preemptive

 

and like everyone, i took, i was taken

i dreamed

 

i was betrayed:

 

earth was given to me in a dream

in a dream i possessed it

ace of hearts

 excerpt from slab by selah saterstrom (coffeehouse press, p. 191)

 

when she was brave enough, the girl harriet turned over the remaining card on madam surget's makeshift table.

 

something comes to an end, madam surget said. this is a gate card, the heart's path, but broken open, diaspora.

 

it is the story of people leaving their homes and never coming back. and the moon goes through all its phases at once.

 

it is what it is. the best you can do is accept it.

 

make an offering for what is lost without judging how that offering is received. always set a place at your table for the dead. know too that their number includes you. cast yourself as a figure, leaving. while you go, tell yourself stories you learned and made. it all enters memory, the watery grave of what you will, in other words, forget.

 

when you can, give the precious version, yourself as you are, the story of your survival after the death created through having loved.

 

there isn't time to pack a bag, you must be on your way.

red velvet classic

 excerpt from slab by selah saterstrom (coffeehouse press, p. 76)

 

 get a thorn from a white rose bush. and a box of betty crocker red velvet cake mix. acquire a jar of gold, magnetic sand. goat milk, fresh if you can arrange it, you will need a whole cup. and bowls: two small, one large, glass, and clear. we shall need a towel too. petition that the dram correspond to the nine conditions, and a bench, chapel length, and a man's bed. warm the wax. form one portion of the halved wax into the shape of him. form one portion of the halved wax into the shape of you. bake the red velvet cake using black hen eggs. after it springs from the pan, knife the red, steaming bread and slip in a dead relative's lock of hair. bury the cake in your backyard, under a tree, whole, with birthday candles on top, burning. balm, enough to coat the entire sarcophagus, and wash your slips in blue water that has within it one pinch of saltpeter. and after you have done these things, all these goddamned things, you will be done with it. you will be done.

weekend in the underworld

  by franz wright, from walking to martha's vineyard

 

once i held your face

in my hands, i saw through

space

poor spirit

drifting off now

like smoke in pouring rain

wait---

are you there?

everywhere. i'm 

everywhere

old story

  by franz wright, from walking to martha's vineyard

first the telephone went,

then

the electricity.

 

it was cold,

and they both went to sleep

as though dressed for a journey.

 

like addictions condoned

from above evening 

fell, lost

 

leaves waiting 

to come back as leaves---

the long snowy divorce. . . 

 

that narrow bed, a cross

between an altar

and an operating table. voice

 

saying, while i was alive

i loved you.

and i love you now.

on earth

 by franz wright, from walking to martha's vineyard

 

 resurrection of the little apple tree outside

my window, leaf-

light of late

in the april

called her eyes, forget

forget---

but how 

how does one go

about dying?

who on earth

is going to teach me---

the world 

is filled with people

who have never died

leisure-loving man suffers untimely death

 by max ritvo, from the final voicemails

 

you ask why the dinner table has been so quiet.

i've felt, for a month, like the table:

 

holding strange things in my head

when there are voices present.

 

and when the voices die,

a cool cloth and some sparkling spray.

 

i'm on painkillers around the clock,

and i fear it's always been

 

just the pain talking to you.

 

the last vision was of the pain leaving ---

it looked just like me as it came out

 

of my mouth, but it was holding a spatula.

it was me if i had learned to cook.

 

the pain drifted to the kitchen.

he hitched himself to the oven, was a centaur

 

completed by bread, great black loaves

bursting from the oven,

 

and then the vision vanished.

i followed, and stood where he had stood.

 

the knives rustled in the block,

the pans clacked overhead.

 

i'm sterile from chemo,

and thought of that.

 

sure, i wish my imagination well,

wherever it is. but now

 

i have sleep to fill. every night

i dream i have a bucket

 

and move clear water from a hole

to a clear ocean. a robot's voice barks,

 

this is sleep. this is sleep.

i'd drink the water, but i'm worried the next 

 

night i'd regret it.

i might need every last drop. nobody will tell me.

 

 

too much and not the mood

 from too much and not the mood by durga chew-bose [published by farrar, straus and giroux]

"being wowed by fruit or cake batter, i should add, yet fairly sure i'm okay with never seeing the grand canyon in person, ought to disqualify me from ever writing about wonder. then again, maybe that's why i'm drawn to wonder: it pays no attention to priorities." (12)

"i've come around to the conciliatory quality of untruths. memory fans out from imagination, and vice versa, and why not. memory isn't a well but an offshoot. it goes secretly. comes apart. deceives. it's guilty of repurposing the meaning of deep meaning and poking fun at what you've emotionalized.

and besides, it feels more covert to have no evidence. to believe that something you've experienced will build on your extent -- your extent as a person who sees things, and is moved by things -- without ever having to prove those things happened exactly as they happened. substantiating is grueling, monotonous. it's what life expects of you. memory is trust open to doubt." (31-32)

"i've been so young for so long and so old for longer -- so heart-wrinkled and naive all at once. so brow-furrowed but heart-open too; a detective. snooping yet easily sidetracked. i'll believe anything because i want to understand, yet understanding can sometimes organize itself like a series of false starts." (35)

"it's been months since i'd been to a museum, but watching this woman mechanically tie her hair was softly enormous." (57)

"going to the movies is the most public way to experience a secret. or, the most secretive way to experience the public." (191)

"i still confuse being misunderstood with feeling shame." (215)

"while my mother said, 'people don't change,' what she meant is, i'd estimate: i shouldn't try to change a person. that the effort exerted is often ineffectual and upsetting. nobody adjusts himself or herself, unless prompted first, by some interior gurgling. some deep mobilizing. urgency forms in the belly. and change, i've come to understand, rises up like nausea: the promise of relief is what makes it bearable. the body's clever ways for communicating shifts can make a person crazy, but also move a person toward life. 

in suggesting i shouldn't attempt to alter how this person from my past thinks or finds his focus, my mother also meant: be wary of overvaluing what he gives. be cautious of how proportioned my ability to love is with how impressionable i become. what moves him to create belongs discretely to him. what lights him up from inside and incites growth is what will ultimately specify his dimension. not me." (218-219)

common to whom

 from the introduction section (by anna della subin) in the hospital by ahmed bouanani  [published by new directions]

"in his manifesto the editor and poet adbdellatif laabi railed against the stagnation of moroccan thought and called for the total decolonization of culture and art. yet what foundation was left upon which to build a national culture? what bound moroccans together as a nation? after all, it was the colonizers, laabi wrote, who had come up with the boundaries of nations, artificial divisions that retraced the history of conquest and dismembered tribal zones. what made morocco a unity beyond a shared history of defeat? its conquerors had imposed an invented binary between 'berbers' and 'arabs,' for the french had seized upon linguistic differences to pit two imagined 'races' against one another. often, colonial administrators extended special protections to the berbers to alienate them from their arab neighbors, in a classic tactic of divide and rule." (16)

"the number fourteen conjures a conflicting way of measuring time, as the islamic fourteenth century a.h. corresponds to the twentieth century c.e. - the designation ever prompting the question, common to whom? the dueling systems of timekeeping destabilize any authority time itself might have, that 'invention of adults' which twists into absurd shapes in the eternity of a hospital ward." (24)

sadness and wild freedom

 from the rules of inheritance by claire bidwell smith

"grief is like another country, i realize. it's a place." (94)

"my grief fills rooms. it takes up space and it sucks out the air. it leaves no room for anyone else. 

grief and i are left alone a lot. we smoke cigarettes and we cry. . .

grief holds my hand as i walk down the sidewalk, and grief doesn't mind when i cry because it's raining and i cannot find a taxi. grief wraps itself around me in the morning when i wake from a dream of my mother, and grief holds me back when i lean too far over the edge of the roof at night, a drink in my hand.

grief acts like a jealous friend, reminding me that no one else will ever love me as much as it does.

grief whispers in my ear that no one understands me.

grief is possessive and doesn't let me go anywhere without it."

"her death leaves me both depleted and emboldened. that's what tragedy does to you, i am learning. the sadness and the wild freedom of it all impart a strange durability. i feel weathered and detached, tucking my head against the winds and trudging forward into my life."

"when it comes to boys, i've always been the same. i;ve always been the girl who gives too much too easily and expects the same in return. i don't remember which boy was first. in the beginning they were all the same: smooth and hairless and vulnerable, emulating or disobeying their fathers -- there was nothing original about them yet.

maybe there never is."

"when people ask me what i do and i say that i work in hospice, they often recoil in a horror that ushers forth a series of well-meaning exclamations.

oh, isn't that hard?

that seems so sad!

i couldn't do that.

the truth is that i don't find it sad at all. when i talk to grieving people, it's like looking at a negative image -- the deeper the grief, the more evidence of love i see.

after my father died i let the follow-up calls from the hospice bereavement counselor go unanswered, and sought out my own coping methods. sometimes these involved drinking and losing myself in the people around me, but i was also driven to learn as much about grief as i could.

i read everything from scientific texts to memoirs about loss. i found myself drawn to movies about death and to information specific to my particular parental loss. i read about trauma and its effects on development. i studied anxiety and how to overcome it. i read about attachment theory and tried to link it to my current relationships. 

i couldn't help wondering if what i felt was normal. and each time i came across someone else's story, each time i found reassurance that i wasn't alone in my grief process, i relaxed a little more. . .

the bottom line is that there is simply no one way to define grief, but the irony is that almost every grieving person i've met seems concerned about whether they're doing it right."

the pure lover

 from the pure lover by david plante [beacon press, 2009]

"grief makes the griever believe the death of his lover is unique. grief demands a grand, timeless expression, and the bereaved tries, tries for that expression, and wonders if the expression is false." (25)

"grief cannot help but idealize." (43)

"grief reveals the griever's vanity, the vanity of his grief, the vanity of all his life." (47)

"at a dinner party to celebrate the success of one of these books, you, when complimented, raised a napkin to cover your face, as if to absent yourself. at the time, i thought you were trying to impress more with your absence than your presence, but i was wrong, for you always thought of yourself as more absent than present." (53-54)

"how confused i become thinking of you and me as one, wondering how much of you i have made mine, how much of me i have made yours - combining in us both mind and soul, as if these two were one, and aristotle and plato, too." (76)

"nietzsche's books, you argued, all together 'cohered,' not 'logically' as philosophy, but 'formally' as in a work of art, the 'form' containing 'an infinite number of inconsistencies.' nietzsche's 'form' was cyclical, was repetition revolving on repetition, each repetition an elaboration." (79)

"did i want you to die, as though your death were a strange fulfillment of my love for you? i'd stop, stand still in the street, overwhelmed by this: the sense, a sensation throughout my body and, too, my soul, that you must live.

i sometimes asked myself in the pages of my diary (wanting in those pages to account for every thought, every feeling) if your death would liberate me from our lives together to live an altogether other life with radiating possibilities. my answer to myself, as near as i could get to a central truth, was no - i wanted, at that center, no other life, but my life radiating in you." (89)

"every night, in bed with you, i thought: i am falling asleep with someone who is dying. all during the night, often woken by you because your back pained you, i'd think: i'm in bed with someone who is dying." (91)

"the griever prays that grief will come and purify him, prays that after the overwhelming devastation of grief, whatever remains of him will be simple and clear. and suddenly, grief overwhelms the griever at the sight of an old woman in a crowd carrying a small valise.

my love for you was not enough - you died." (103)

"grief centers the griever's grief everywhere, making connections." (111)

 

airport chapel of your mind

 from someday this pain will be useful to you by peter cameron [farrar, straus and giroux, 2007]

". . . what she didn't know was that the story of the woman who disappeared like that didn't make me sad, i didn't think it was tragic that she left the world without effect. i thought it was beautiful. to die like that, to disappear without a trace, to sink without disturbing the surface of the water, not even a telltale bubble rising to the surface, like sneaking out of a party so no one notices that you're gone." (175)

"and i felt it was okay to think about the lady with the parrot and not think about why i was thinking about her if i knew why i was thinking about her, and i wanted to tell dr. adler that by wanting those things to be explained she was missing something else. i thought, it's enough that i've thought that, i don't need to say it. i don't need to share it. most people think things are not real unless they are spoken, that it's the uttering of something, not the thinking of it, that legitimizes it. i suppose this is why people always want other people to say 'i love you.' i think just the opposite - that thoughts are realest when thought, that expressing them distorts or dilutes them, that it is best for them to stay in the dark climate-controlled airport chapel of your mind, that if they're released into the air and light they will be affected in a way that alters them, like film accidentally exposed." (175-176)

"she said this in a smug, pleased way that really bugged me. like because i had done something stupid in an effort to get close to somebody i deserved to be ostracized and ridiculed. it made me angry that my own mother welcomed my misfortune. i knew she thought it was probably good for me, a so-called learning experience. the problem is i don't ever learn anything from learning experiences. in fact, i make a special effort not to learn whatever it is the learning experience is supposed to teach me, because i can't think of anything drearier than being somebody whose character is formed by learning experiences."

bleak fate

 from asymmetry by lisa halliday [simon & schuster, 2018]

"the last time i saw my brother, in early 2005, he said that parents have no way of knowing when their children's memories will wake up. he also said that the oblivion of our first few years is never entirely cured. plenty of life is memorable only in flashes, if at all.

what don't you remember? i asked.

what do i remember? what do you remember of last year? of 2002? of 1994? i don't mean the headlines. we all remember milestones, jobs. the name of your freshman english teacher. your first kiss. but what did you think, from day to day? what were you conscious of? what did you say? whom did you run into, on the street or in the gym, and how did these encounters reinforce or interfere with the idea of yourself that you carry around?" (135-136)

 "and if it's violence driving up your employer's advertising revenue and you're the one reporting the violence it's hard to see how in that respect, too, you aren't one of the ones perpetuating the violence. so, no, i don't always sleep soundly at night. but it i quit, which i considered very seriously after that day, i think i'd go mad from the alternative. when i'm working, when i'm high on adrenaline, i'm not exactly in what you would call a contemplative state. but when i go home, when i go out to dinner or sit on the tube or push my trolley around waitrose with all the other punters and their meticulous lists, i start to spin out. you observe what people do with their freedom - what they don't do - and it's impossible not to judge them for it. you come to see a mostly peaceful and democratic society as being in a state of incredibly delicate suspension, suspension that requires equilibrium down to the smallest molecule, such that even the tiniest jolt, just one person neglecting its fragility with her complacency or self-absorption, could cause the whole fucking thing to collapse." (214)

"over dinner on the night of his engagement, my brother was trying to explain to his soon-to-be-in-laws about new year's resolutions. in america, he said, it's traditional for people to promise themselves they'll change aspects of their behavior in the coming year. zahra's family thought that was crazy. who are you, they asked, to think you can control your behavior in the future? well, you know, my brother replied, some things you can control. you can decide you're going to eat more vegetables. or that you're going to exercise more. or that you're going to read a little each night before you fall asleep. to which zahra's mother, an x-ray technician at the teaching hospital, replied: but how do you know you're going to be able to afford vegetables next month? or who says there won't be a curfew tomorrow, preventing you from going to the gym or running in the park after work? or who says your generator won't give out and then you'll have to read with a flashlight until the batteries die and then with a candle until that burns down, and then you won't be able to read in bed at all - you'll just have to sleep, if you can?" (222)

". . . i looked rather more like the embodiment of a line i would later read - something about the metaphysical claustrophobia and bleak fate of being always one person. a problem, i suppose, that it is entirely up to our imaginations to solve. but even someone who imagines for a living is forever bound by the ultimate constraint: she can hold her mirror up to whatever subject she chooses, at whatever angle she likes - she can ever hold it such that she herself remains outside its frame, the better to de-narcissize the view - but there's no getting around the fact that she's always the one holding the mirror. and just because you can't see yourself in a reflection doesn't mean no one can." (225)

what belongs to you

 from what belongs to you by garth greenwell

"he never chatted with one woman, she went on, he was always chatting with several of them at once. he was polite sometimes, sweet, but he could be rude, too, he was rough with some of them, it was like he was a different person with each one. it was like that for me, too, i thought as i listened to her, it's one of the things i crave in the sites i use, that i can carry on these multiple conversations, each its own window so that sometimes my screen is filled with them; and in each i have the sense of being entirely false and entirely true, like a self in a story, i suppose, or the self i inhabit when i teach, the self of authority and example. i know they're all i have, these partial selves, true and false at once, that any ideal of wholeness i long for is a sham; but i do long for it, i think i glimpse it sometimes, i even imagine i've felt it."

"making poems was a way of loving things, i had always thought, i had always thought, of preserving them, of living moments twice; or more than that, it was a way of living more fully, of bestowing on experience a richer meaning."

"love isn't just a matter of looking at someone, ,i think now, but also of looking with them, of facing what they face"

silence

from empathy by sarah schulman

"when the phone stopped ringing she perceived a peculiar silence. one of many. which one? there is a silence of perception. it wasn't that. thoughtless silence? forced silence? chosen silence? silence because you're listening. fearful silence. because the radio's broken. hesitation. when you don't say it because you don't want to hurt the other person. enraged silence. when you don't say it because it's not going to do any good. waiting. thinking. not wanting to be misunderstood. refusing to participate. self-absorption. when a loud sound is over. shame."

"'at jack's service this morning,' anna continued, as though all of this was normal, 'i realized that when i first comprehended the enormity of what was happening to my community, i only anticipated that i would lose many people. but i did not understand that those of us who remain, that is to say, those of us who will continue to lose and lose, would also lose our ability to fully mourn. i feel that i have been dehumanized by the quantity of death, and that now i can no longer fully grieve for each person."

"'my family seems so unreal to me. and when i am with them, i also am not real. i am a character in some movie and someone else wrote the script."

"she had long been the kind of person who explains herself regularly. it was part of a longstanding faith in being understood and a desire to apologize for every inadequacy. to ask forgiveness."

"only shame is the true indication of authentic camouflage."

dislocation

from in the dream house by carmen maria machado

"the late queer theorist jose esteban munoz pointed out that 'queerness has an especially vexed relationship to evidence. . . when the historian of queer experience attempts to document a queer past, there is often a gatekeeper, representing a straight present.' what gets left behind? gaps where people never see themselves or find information about themselves. holes that make it impossible to give oneself a context. crevices people fall into. impenetrable silence."

"we can't stop living. which means we have to live, which means we are alive, which means we are humans and we are human: some of us are unkind and some of us are confused and some of us sleep with the wrong people and some of us make bad decisions and some of us are murderers. and it sounds terrible but it is, in fact, freeing: the idea that queer does not equal good or pure or right. it is simply a state of being -- one subject to politics, to its own social forces, to larger narratives, to moral complexities of every kind. so bring on the queer villains, the queer heroes, the queer sidekicks and secondary characters and protagonists and extras. they can be a complete cast unto themselves. let them have agency, and then let them go."

"later, you will learn that a common feature of domestic abuse is 'dislocation.' that is to say, the victim has just moved somewhere new, or she's somewhere where she doesn't speak the language, or has been otherwise uprooted from her support network, her friends or family, her ability to communicate. she is made vulnerable by her circumstance, her isolation. her only ally is her abuser, which is to say she has no ally at all. and so she has to struggle against an unchangeable landscape that has been hammered into existence by nothing less than time itself; a house that is too big to dismantle by hand; a situation too complex and overwhelming to master on her own. the setting does its work."

more truthful lives

from everyone loves a good train wreck by eric wilson

"death's perpetual certitude inspires us to imagine more truthful lives. but death, by thwarting narcissism, also elevates our ethical imaginations. what does the egotist believe but that his existence is more important than those of others, that his self is of immense value and preeminently worthy of being nourished and perpetuated? death deflates this puffery, positing that all attempts to boost the "i" are ultimately vain. though you are unique on one level, on another you are the same as everyone else: you will suffer and die and return to the dirt.

shaking us out of narcissism, death calls us to merge with our fellows, to enter into a global community bound by hurt. it says: you are dying, and this is pain, and you would like to alleviate it in any way possible, and so now you apprehend the plight of all others, also moribund and agonized and in need of succor. obviously, when we experience this distress, we don't by necessity become aware of the miseries of others. we can hurt selfishly, convincing ourselves that our discomfort is worse than anyone else's and thus deserving of the most care. but hopefully we will, when we realize that our lot is common, suffer charitably, and so translate our own groaning into empathy with another's torment."

kudos

quotes from kudos by rachel cusk

"i said that while her story suggested that human lives could be governed by the laws of narrative, and all the notions of retribution and justice that narrative lays claim to, it was in fact merely her interpretation of events that created that illusion. the couple's divorce, in other words, had nothing to do with her secret envy of them and her desire for their downfall: it was her own capacity for storytelling - which, as i had already told her, had affected me all those years ago - that made her see her own hand in what happened around her. yet the suspicion that her own desires were shaping the lives of other people, and even causing them to suffer, did not seem to lead her to feel guilt. it was an interesting idea, i said, that the narrative impulse might spring from the desire to avoid guilt, rather than from the need - as was generally assumed - to connect things together in a meaningful way; that it was a strategy calculated, in other words, to disburden ourselves of responsibility."

"'i have known many men,' sophia said, resting her slender arms on the table, whose white cloth was littered with crumpled napkins and wine stains and half-eaten pieces of bread, 'from many different parts of the world, and the men of this nation,' she said, blinking her painted eyes and smiling, 'are the sweetest but also the most childlike. behind every man is his mother,' she said, 'who made so much fuss of him he will never recover from it, and will never understand why the rest of the world doesn't make the same fuss of him, particularly the woman who has replaced his mother and who he can neither trust nor forgive for replacing her. these men like nothing better than to have a child,' she said, 'because then the whole cycle is repeated and they feel comfortable. men from other places are different,' she said, 'but in the end neither better nor worse: they are better lovers but less courteous, or they are more confident but less considerate. 'the english man,' she said, looking at me, 'is in my experience the worst, because he is neither a skilled lover nor a sweet child, and because his idea of a woman is something made of plastic not flesh. the english man is sent away from his mother, and so he wants to marry his mother and perhaps even to be his mother, and while he is usually polite and reasonable to women, as a stranger would be, he doesn't understand what they are."

ambiguous loss

from ambiguous loss by pauline boss

"the outcomes of ptsd are also similar, though not identical, to outcomes of long-term ambiguous loss. both can result in depression, anxiety, psychic numbing, distressing dreams, and guilt. but ambiguous loss is unique in that the trauma goes on and on in what families describe as a rollercoaster ride, during which they alternate between hope and hopelessness. a loved one is missing, then sighted, then lost again. or a family member is dying, then goes into remission, then the illness returns again in full force. hopes are raised and dashed so many times that psychically people no longer react."

"learning to live with the ambiguity of divorce and remarriage requires a whole new set of skills. the first is to revise our perception of who our family is and who it is not. . . all this requires a second skill, the ability to let go of needing an absolute and precise definition of family. . . rather than weakening the family, such elasticity in family composition enhances resilience and flexibility. . . in a sense one has to abandon the concept of monogamy in order to make divorce and remarriage work because a first marriage does not simply stop when a second one starts. it is forever a part of the fabric of one's life."

"ambivalence can result from the ambiguity of not knowing who is included in the structure that is supposed to be one's family. conflicting impulses that may exist in the psyche are often a consequence of this uncertainty.

ambivalence is often intensified by deficiencies outside the family -- officials cannot find a missing person or medical experts cannot clearly diagnose or cure a devastating illness. because of the ambiguity, loved ones can't make sense out of their situation and emotionally are pulled in opposing directions -- love and hate for the same person; acceptance and rejection of their caregiving role; affirmation and denial of their loss. often people feel they must withhold their emotions and control their aggressive feelings because social norms dictate that becoming upset is inappropriate and will only bring further harm to the missing person, demented elder, or comatose child. this is the bind, especially for women, who are most often caught in caregiving or waiting roles.

mixed emotions are compounded when a separation involves the potential of irretrievable loss. when there is a chance that we will never see a loved one again, we protect ourselves from the prospect of losing that person by becoming ambivalent -- holding our spouse at arm's length, picking a fight with a parent, or shutting a sibling out even when he or she is still physically present. anticipating a loss, we both cling to our loved ones and push them away. we resist their leaving and at the same time want to be finished with the goodbye."

"if we are to turn the corner and cope with uncertain losses, we must first temper our hunger for mastery. this is the paradox. to regain a sense of mastery when there is ambiguity about a loved one's absence or presence, we must give up trying to find the perfect solution. we must redefine our relationship to the missing person. most important, we must realize that the confusion we are experiencing is attributable to the ambiguity rather than to something we did -- or neglected to do."

"for people who are accustomed to having some control over their lives, insight appears to help; such people want to understand 'why,' to penetrate the deeper meaning of an experience before they risk doing something different. but for others, insight is gained experientially, not cognitively. for them, the family therapist carl whitaker was right when he said, 'you only know what something is after you've gone past it.' people have to experience a phenomenon before they can understand it. what is clear to me is that we as clinicians must be more sensitive to individual differences in ways of understanding a situation if we are to avoid creating the very resistance we sometimes attribute to the people we are trying to help."