silence

from empathy by sarah schulman

"when the phone stopped ringing she perceived a peculiar silence. one of many. which one? there is a silence of perception. it wasn't that. thoughtless silence? forced silence? chosen silence? silence because you're listening. fearful silence. because the radio's broken. hesitation. when you don't say it because you don't want to hurt the other person. enraged silence. when you don't say it because it's not going to do any good. waiting. thinking. not wanting to be misunderstood. refusing to participate. self-absorption. when a loud sound is over. shame."

"'at jack's service this morning,' anna continued, as though all of this was normal, 'i realized that when i first comprehended the enormity of what was happening to my community, i only anticipated that i would lose many people. but i did not understand that those of us who remain, that is to say, those of us who will continue to lose and lose, would also lose our ability to fully mourn. i feel that i have been dehumanized by the quantity of death, and that now i can no longer fully grieve for each person."

"'my family seems so unreal to me. and when i am with them, i also am not real. i am a character in some movie and someone else wrote the script."

"she had long been the kind of person who explains herself regularly. it was part of a longstanding faith in being understood and a desire to apologize for every inadequacy. to ask forgiveness."

"only shame is the true indication of authentic camouflage."